B.@.Dcap: The Bachelorette Wii - S1 E01

You guys wished I could be a contestant on the show. Well, here we go.

We fade in on me and the other 3 Bachelor's looking up at hill at… well, at whoever this Bachelorette is. She is in some grotto thing. We’re all staring up at her.

We go into the mansion, and Chris Harrison introduces himself. I’m gonna try to get in good with Chris. He seems to pretty much be the gatekeeper for everything that goes on here. Like when Rated-R and Syphilis both did the same thing to Ali last season, everyone ended up hating Rated-R and not hating Syphilis. So if I decide to bail, I’d like Chris to be able to portray me in a positive light so that my transition to Hollywood goes as smoothly as possible.

Our Bachelorette is DeAnna Pappas, a Real estate agent from Georgia. Chris says America fell in love with her when she was on The Bachelor, and now it's her turn to be the Bachelorette.

I'm with 3 other dudes this season, all competing for DeAnna's attention. One dude is a shaggy longhair named Michael. One guy is a black dude who is the only one of us to not wear a tie to this opening ceremony, and his name is Nate. The other dude looks half Asian, and goes by "Ke-ith." (Not sure how to pronounce that one.)

Chris tells us he can provide a brief overview of the game. I've never played this game before so... pass.

Chris wishes us the best of luck on the journey.

Group Date: Air Balloons… Of Love

Nate, for the ladies, is wearing a sweater over a dress shirt. He looks like Twofer from 30 Rock. Michael, for the ladies, thinks he's being all cool by wearing a brown leather jacket... with a stripe. Ke-ith,  for the ladies, is wearing a hoodie.

I am wearing a snazzy aqua dress shirt and jeans ensemble. Clothes make the man. Super cas. I don't like to dress up to blow up air balloons.

So during this date, me and the other 3 dudes are trying to inflate our air balloons. The idea is to inflate your air balloon the fastest. I'm guessing air balloons are a thing for her.

Sorry, but I don't know how to make this sound exciting. I won. It turns out all there is to blowing up an air balloon is holding down a button to keep the pressure at a certain point. Go figure.

Winner: B.@.D

Last Place: Ke-ith

Group Date: Off-Road Racing… To Love

So we're going off-road racing now? Fuck. I was a little distracted by the fact that they didn't let me change out of my dress shirt before we did this. Sure Ke-ith didn't mind, that dick is in a hoodie. Like he has some kind of advance knowledge of what the events will be. DOES HE HAVE SOME KIND OF ADVANCE KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT THE EVENTS WILL BE?!?!

What was also distracting was having Ke-ith kick the living shit out of us on the ATV's. Now, I don't believe in that old Asian stereotype that says they're always all over the road. That being said, this asshole Ke-ith was all over the road. He completely railroaded the rest of us. While we we're disoriented trying not be killed by his driving, he was able to beat us to the finish line. I ended up third.

First Place: Ke-ith
Last Place: Michael

Group Date: Skating… To Love

I can’t skate. But this wasn't even just skating. DeAnna wanted us to make HEXAGONS in the ice. But we couldn't just skate in a hexagon pattern (whatever the fuck that even is) we had to complete the outline of the hexagon BEFORE any snowflakes landed IN the hexagon. And it was SNOWING.

Yeah, I don't get it either. She's a weird chick. I'm pretty sure this was just a rib that she and the producers got a big kick out of. But I rolled with it, because it's all part of paying my dues. Anyway, the fact that I can't skate did not deter me from winning this fierce competition. Ke-ith kept getting in my way though, and made this a close call. Crouching Tiger here is going to be trouble.

Shaggy has been last place for two competitions now. The whtie shaggy dude wasn't good on ice - the swerves are starting this season already.

First Place: B.@.D
Last Place: Shaggy

Group Date: Quiz Show… ing To Love (Sure, why not.)

So she took photographs and wanted to ask us questions about them. I'm... not sure why. I guess she's just really into photography. Also wierd was the fact that all the photographs we're apparently of past contestants of the show, so I guess she's stalking people on top of that. I’m starting to question if I even want to marry this girl. But then shit got even weirder. She would reveal the pictures only a bit at a time and we had to be the fastest one to guess what it was.

These other dudes killed me in this one. I was last place! Maybe that’s good though. I don’t need to get off to a start where she thinks I’m going to indulge EVERY weird fetish she has. I already blew up an air-balloon, off-roaded with an Asian, and skated in fucking hexagons. So I just pretended I lost on purpose.

And guess who got first. Precious KE-ITH of course. What a shocker. This is getting depressing.

First Place: Ke-ith
Last Place: B.@.D

So we're all sitting at the mansion chilling out in our suits. The fucking open bar at this thing is awesome!!! It would make Dylf weep with envy. Top shelf booze. The bartender is making me Mojito's and not even calling me gay! Even if I end up not liking DeAnna, if I can avoid Ke-ith's ninja off-roading and picture-scrutinizing skills, I think I'm going to stick around just for this.

Twofer is still not wearing a tie. I bet he thinks he's sooooooooo cool.

The date card shows up. Please be for me please be for me please be for me - it's totally for me! YES!!!

Chris says "DeAnna would like to keep the intimacy going. She's waiting for you with a 'bottle of her finest'". We’s gettin' drunk tonight!!!

Well, actually I'm already a little bit drunk. Here's hoping she finds that attractive. Stupid open bar. I better get someone to drive me to wherever she is. Is it considered racist if I ask Twofer to drive me? It's probably considered racist if I ask Twofer to drive me.

InDUHvidual Date: B.@.D

So we're sitting on the couch as far away from each other as possible. You know how I do, I start off slow. We're chatting and nodding at each other.

Then Chris tells me that this date could use a little more excitement. It's our first date, Chris. Chill the fuck out, man. We haven't had a chance to even get drunk yet. Well, I mean I got drunk at the house with the guys. But we haven't had a chance to get drunk TOGETHER yet.

Chris didn't listen. So to create excitement, the props department started dropping feathers on us! It seemed pretty dumb to me, but she kept looking right into the camera and saying how magical it was, so I decided I better just roll with it. I thought it might impress her if I tried to catch as many feathers as I could.

Then I looked up to the roof... AND TWOFER, SHAGGY AND KE-ITH WE'RE THE ONES TOSSING THE FEATHERS DOWN! Which isn't so bad by itself, I was actually kind of touched by their support - but they we're trying to make sure I wouldn't catch the feathers! What the fuck, guys??? Obviously they knew she would be impressed by my feather-catching abilities so they we're trying to make sure I didn't catch any of them. This was pretty disheartening.

Anyways, Feathergate didn't work. Thanks to these guys, I couldn’t just stand there and catch feathers though. I was running around the room like a fucking madman trying to catch feathers!!! I was sure she would think that was weird, but she didn’t. She was laughing and clapping like she was a child and I was a baby seal at the zoo.

And it was worth it. I caught 12 of them.
Amount of feathers you need to catch to get DeAnna Pappas to make out with you: 12

Yeah, she totally did. After I was done catching feathers, she moved the pillow that was on the couch between us out of the way. She got about 3 inches from my face to make out with me, then the camera panned to the other side of the room so the audience watching on national TV couldn’t see what we we’re doing. We don’t need America thinking she’s some kind of slut.

You don't need the details. Which is good, because she totally gave me a handjob. She didn't know the other guys we're in the room trying to sabotage me, and I didn't tell her. I wanted them to see me and feel emasculated.

And let me tell you, it was fucking hot. I'm already falling for this girl. I know it sounds crazy, because I wasn't sure before this first date, but now I'm falling uncontrollably in love with her!

I finally understand all those songs on the radio now! I KEEP BLEEDING... KEEP KEEP BLEEDING LOVE. I KEEP BLEEDING... KEEP BLEEDING LOVE.

Then I told her to get the fuck out and went to sleep. All these competitions and tugjob sessions can wear a guy out.

Bullshit Rose Ceremony

Now that I'm in the rose ceremonies, they're no longer bullshit. It was a little uncomfortable standing with the other guys though, because I just don't get why they would try to destroy me professionally on my date like that. I gave up EVERYTHING to be here. ($30... Canadian.)

Are they not here for the right reasons or something? I won't forget this shit.

• I get a rose, I'm safe. I put the switchblade back into my pocket.
• Nate gets a rose, he's safe.
• Ke-ith gets a rose, he's safe. I take the switchblade back out of my pocket.
• Michael doesn't get a rose. He gone.

Eliminated: Michael

Chris says that he knows this week wasn't easy, but that he wants to congratulate us for making it through. He says the next round of dates is coming up soon, and asks if we're ready. Is that rhetorical? I AM SO READY TO FALL IN LOVE ON THE NEXT ROUND OF DATES!!!

Do alliances work on this show? If so, I'm going to see if Twofer wants to team up on Ke-ith.

Next Week, On The Bachelorette

"B.@.D finds out incriminating information about Ke-ith. It turns out that not only does he ALREADY have a girlfriend back home… BUT THE GIRLFRIEND IS DEANNA’S MOM!!!"

Well, not really. That’s just speculation that I’m planning to use against Ke-ith in interviews.

I'll be in my trailer.

B.@.D