B.@.Dcap: The Bachelorette Wii - S1 E02

Welcome to Episode 2 of Season 1 of The Bachelorette Wii. Michael has been eliminated, and we are down to 3 competitors – myself, Twofer, and Ke-ith. There is another individual date coming up this week, which I think I should totally win. It’s my destiny or some shit to fall in love with Deanna Pappas. I think it was guaranteed when I shelled out $30 for tihs game.

That first date that I had with DeAnna was magical, and it was real. You can tell because I had a date with her first. When she’s with those other guys, it’s fake. But when she’s with me, it’s all real.

Uh… so Chris says we’re going to Quebec. I don’t know why. Seriously, Quebec? Fucking Quebec? Ali and her retards got to go to, like, Bora Bora and shit. We get Quebec? I guess this is our Iceland. This could be a problem. I don’t speak any French outside of the chorus to that Lady Marmalade song. Vous les vou cou che avec mois? Maybe that’ll impress her. What does that even mean? Should I find out? Whatever. Details aren’t important. I’m in love.

Group Date: A Countryside Ride… To Love

So, this “countryside ride” is consisting of the three of us solving puzzles. What actually happened behind the scenes was, after last time on the ATV’s, me and Twofer weren’t willing to do ANYTHING with Ke-ith that involved vehicles. So we threatened to walk off the set unless something was done. This is all they could come up with. Beggers can’t be choosers, I guess, and at least my stomach lining won’t be on Ke-ith’s windshield anytime soon.

I do puzzles like a kid with autism. I literally just grabbed every piece as fast as I could and tried jamming them in everywhere as fast as I possibly could. It wasn’t a perfect strategy, but it was a better strategy than approaching the puzzle with logic and reason like Twofer and Ke-ith did... as evidenced below. Skill is a crutch for players who don't have the balls to rely on speed and luck.

First Place: B.@.D
Last Place: Ke-ith

Editor’s Note: While I was doing the puzzles, Enzo vomited up more food than I believe he eats in a week. I fear this is a harbinger of some sort.

Group Date: Chalet… ing to love? I guess? This is getting hard. (That’s what she said.)

So Chris says we’re at a “Chalet” all night and that Deanna is going to be our host. What the fuck is a Chalet? That’s a real thing? I thought that was just a fancy word that people used when they we’re trying to sound… fancy? Is it Swiss Chalet? Are we going to Swiss Chalet?

THIS was a weird one. We’re supposed to determine which drink combinations have the most alcohol in them. I swear to God I’m not making that up. That’s literally what the contest is. Insert like 20 date rape jokes here.

First Place: B.@.D
Last Place: Twofer

In addition to winning the contest, I also slipped something into DeAnna’s drink for later… just to lighten the mood. It turns out it’s not against the rules on this show. (See: Ali in Bora Bora.)

Group Date: Gambling… With Our Hearts

It appears as though we’re going to a Casino. Apparently she likes guys who attempt to win money by achieving success in a game where the probability-based-rules were explicitly designed to thwart that very outcome. To those nerds on the internet who like to write about other people’s dating lives, this sounds like the stupidest thing that any rational creature could possibly do. But just like they don’t understand love, they don’t understand gambling. Actually, gambling and love are very similar – you risk money in gambling like all of us are risking our hearts here on this show. And just like how it’s better to have loved and lost… it’s worth it to lose your money just for the thrill of almost not losing your money.

Except that we’re not actually gambling. Which pretty much completely undermines the credibility of every single point that I just worked so hard to make just now in that testimonial interview. Ah well, no one will notice.

Oh. Yeah. The contest. People are dropping casino chips on us and we have to catch them. I’m pretty sure we could have done this without going to an actual casino, but it was cool to watch them shut down the whole venue just for this. We got all dressed up too. Again, Twofer is the only one not to wear a tie.

Oh. Yeah. The outcome.

First Place: B.@.D

Last Place: Ke-ith

Poor Ke-ith shouldn’t have gotten so drunk in the limo ride over here. He was just sitting there waiting for chips to fall to him. It made it pretty easy for me and Twofer. We let a few chips fall onto him anyway though, just to be nice.

Ke-ith was like a ninja last episode. I’m not sure what’s happening to him this time around. Maybe he’s demoralized because of that STD rumor I’ve been spreading about him. If he’s not careful he’s gonna be the next one gone. It's for the best - then he can get that Gonorrhea looked at before it flares up again.

By the way, “Group Date” isn’t exactly what it sounds like. So far it’s literally just me and these two assholes doing contests. DeAnna wasn’t at the “Chalet”. She wasn’t at the Casino. She wasn’t in Quebec either, but I can’t really hold that last one against her.

Group Date: Cooking For Love

Uh… so now, DeAnna wants to know who can bake a SOUFFLE’ the fastest. You read that right. She doesn’t wanna know who can make the BEST soufflé. Or the TASTIEST soufflé. She just wants us to bake it the fastest. That’s kind of weird, although it does bode well for me that speed impresses her.

I’ve never baked a soufflé in my life. I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know what goes into it. I don't know what it tastes like. I wouldn't be able to spell it if this thing didn't have spell-check. I don’t even really know what it is. I’m pretty sure I didn’t think it was actually real. I guess I kind of just thought it was a word. Like a chalet.

Fortunately, none of these obstacles stopped me, because I was doing it for love. Truthfully though, the crew did everything for me, and even put it in the oven. All I had to do was make sure the oven stayed the hottest, so that mine baked the fastest. DeAnna really is making this easy for me. I'm starting to think that she might be a bit too cultured for my liking, though. Next thing I know I'll be eating crumpets. Oh well. Too late now - I'm in love with her!

First Place: B.@.D
Last Place: Twoter

So we’re all chilling out at the mansion, just being cool guys who quit our jobs to date one girl and get drunk in the middle of the day. Then the date card shows up. It’s totally for me again. She should just marry me now, since it’s meant to be and all, and because it’s personally insulting to think that these guys can beat me at anything now that I’m a master.

InDUHvidual Date: B.@.D

So we’re taking a short rest in the middle of our date, which apparently consists of intimate details that no one, including myself (and I’m ON the date) needs to know.

Then she busted out some coloring books and crayons, and wanted me to trace for her.

It’s possible that I’ve stumbled upon the easiest girl to impress in the entire world. Who the fuck did she date before coming on this show? Howie Mandell? Kasey? The Unabomber?

So naturally I was kicking ass at tracing, until Twofer and Ke-ith, apparently now aligned, sat down on an adjacent park bench and started trying to trace the pictures faster than I could.

Yeah, that looks really good, guys. Keep it up. Christ, they fight like fags.

It didn’t work.


Amount Of Pictures To Trace To Get DeAnna Pappas To Make Out With You: 8

She pointed at the sunset. I put my head up against her. What I gotta do, if I wanna get a kiss, is act real smooth, and make my love like THIS. So I slid in and we made out. The camera panned past the fountain and faded out. Always keep it classy.

Sorry for not really filming all that much when it comes to me and DeAnna’s physical contact, but the emotion and intensity is SO INTENSE when we’re together that it actually fucks with the camera equipment. That, and we’re going for more of a PG rating this year. It’s a good thing they cut out actually, because showing her giving me head on the park bench would definitely have pissed off the network.

Fuck that was awesome. I feel another song coming on! WHEN I SEE YOUR FACE, THERE'S NOT A THING THAT I WOULD CHANGE, 'CAUSE YOU'RE AMAZING, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE...

... AND WHEN YOU SMILE, THE WHOLE WORLD STOPS AND STARES FOR AWHILE, 'CAUSE GIRL YOU'RE AMAZING, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.


Bullshit Rose Ceremony

• I get a rose. I’m safe.
• Ke-ith gets a rose. He’s safe.
• No rose for Twofer. He gone.

Eliminated: Twofer

How the shit does that fuck work??? Twofer did way better than Ke-ith this time around. I’m starting to think this is staged or something.

So the finale for this season of The Bachelorette is coming up next week. I’m pretty sure I’m going to win.

I hope we go somewhere overseas. If so, I’m gonna try to push Twofer out of the plane since apparently beating the piss out of him every week isn’t enough to get him eliminated. Besides, I read that if you kill someone over international waters, that it doesn’t count of something. I’m going to look into that.

Next Week, On The Bachelorette:

"Obviously, B.@.D will have sex with DeAnna and she will be his forever because nothing can possibly go wrong once you meet and marry your soulmate on this show."

I'll be in my trailer.

B.@.D