Pinto McBean is the Devil

.....so i grew up in southern alberta, canada in a small town of about 2000 people.....we were about a 17 minute drive from a city of 66,000 people and about a 1 hour and 45 minute drive from where my grandparents farm was close to the alberta-saskatchewan-usa border....anyways....growing up with mom and dad and my older brother the holiday tradition in december was to make the trek to grandmas house on the farm for an overnighter and a big turkey dinner with all the fixins' etc.....grandma used to make the stuffing for the turkey with sausage meat in it.....delicious....so when i was about 14 we made the trip one year and my older cousin from toronto was in with my uncle and aunt for the festivities as well....another tradition was that my father would bring his guitar and he would play for the family and both my brother and i would accompany him on our saxamaphones....so after dinner my cousin (who is 17) and i go down to the basement to play dad's guitar....now our parents always let us have a drink with dinner but we were feeling particularily brazen so we went into the beer fridge and proceeded to plow through about 5-6 beer each (plenty for a junior high school student)....so the night ends uneventfully at grandmas and i pile into the car with my brother, mom and dad for the drive home.....as we're pulling out of grandmas i can still clearly remember saying "the food was so good this year but i think i ate too much because i have a tummy ache"......Who the fuck says tummy ache when they are fourteen!?!?  anyway, right off the gig was up and my mom and dad were onto the fact i had been into the beer.......about 45 minutes away from the farm there was a small town called Bow Island where we used to stop to get drive through burgers in the summer....Bow Island is the "Pinto Bean Capital of Canada" becasue apparently that is the major crop they grow there....and the residents of Bow Island have erected a 40 foot statue of a pinto bean in a cowboy hat and dubbed him "Pinto McBean" so when you are driving thorugh you know your in motherfuckin' pinto bean country!!!.....anyhoo.....about 5 kilometers out of Bow Island i tell mom that i'm feeling really sick and we may need to pull over....by this time, mom, dad and my brother are all having a good bit of fun at my expense...i'm curled up in a ball in the back seat having my first drunk experience....i've borrowed my moms fluffy white touque to keep warm and i'm quite clearly pathetic.....so we pull up to the rest stop near the hamburger drive through joint and pulled over adjacent to the phonebooth that is right at Pinto McBean's feet....as i'm getting out of the car i hear my brother (16 years old at this time) laughing telling me to make sure i don't get any on my shoes....so i go up and climb into the phone booth and proceed to regurgitate about 3 pounds of turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing and pilsner beer....mom's really concerned but dad and my brother are laughing and i don't know what the fuck is going on cause i'm on mars at this point in time....i get done and mom runs out with some napkins for me to wipe my face....i start to walk back to the car and tell mom that i need to take a "poo"too and now that's when my dad and brother really start to roar from the car.....my brother shouts out from the car again, "go shit in the phone booth by pinto!!!".....

we were out of napkins in the car so my mom didn't get her touque back.......

Album For Now - Confederacy of Ruined Lives - Eyehategod.....it came out ten years ago and is still fresh as shit.......