I never know how to begin these things. What's goin' on, M3 fans? Ugh. That's stupid. I'm just going to get right into it.
I find a cliff that some villagers say looks like a Drago climbed up. A guy named Jonah says that he doesn't understand that because they're normally such peaceful creatures. Peaceful creatures can't climb hills? Okay, whatever you say. I think the Drago that Enzo "rammed" was bigger than the fucking cliff itself. And that was a baby. Then he says that he feels like something very bad is happening to the forest, the creatures in it, and him.
Hm, he's going to turn evil or something. That's not going to help anyone.
Locke goes apeshit and starts clawing at the cliff. This is when I know I have to take something seriously. When my dog says so. Apparently he's barking at a scrap of red cloth that got stuck on a tree.
An old man comes up and says that his son can help me scale the cliff. I then need to name a new character. A 'strange but nice guy with unexpected skills'... hmmm... I'm going with Vito. If I have to name him, he's going to be important. Please God, don't let him be an idiot. The old man sends my dog to find him. Oh for the love of... don't take Locke away! He's one of SO FEW helpful beings so far in this game. He then devises a foolproof way that Locke will be able to find him by scent.
That's practically animal abuse. This guy is fuckin' foul.
I watch as Locke goes racing through the forest. If something happens to him, I quit this game.
Locke then finds the kid sleeping in his house, but can't wake him up. So he drags the guy back through the forest towards us. This character is fucking awesome so far.
Theif skills? O...kay. First of all, that's unsettling. Second, how does that help him climb the cliff?
He then, I shit you not, climbs the mountain, putting rungs into the base of the cliff every couple feet.
Oh, for...
The scrap of clothing is from Sloan's dress. Wait, so she's naked out there maybe? Shit, there I go getting turned on for reasons I don't understand again. I go into a cave and get attacked by moles. Vito can help me now though. MY DOG LOCKE'S STICK TO YOUR FUCKING DOME!!! MY DOG LOCKE BITES YOU!!! VITO... KICKS YOU..?
Christ, he fights like a fag. And isn't it hard to kick with a bum leg? Fine, whatever. VITO KICKS YOU!!! Oooh, maybe it's a ninja kick. That would be less gay. I'm going with that. The mole doesn't last long. Ooh, nut bread!
I get attacked by a few more moles. They have some odd fighting techniques.
I had no choice but to beat the fuck out of them, but I can't say I was totally into it.
Mother 3: Where You Beat The Fuck Out Of Homesick Moles Until You Find Your Naked Wife
I walk up the mountain a bit, and look who I find. THE ALIENS THAT BURNED DOWN THE FOREST AND RELEASED EVIL BUGS AND TURNED BAKED YAMS EVIL AND RAPED LIGHTER AND POSSIBLY SPLIT OPEN A TREE. Well, they didn't rape Lighter. That was Thomas.
Okay, so what the fuck are they doing up here? It looks like they have a deer or something with antlers on some sort of exam table, hooked up to equipment. On top of a mountain. A deer. I'm not sure what they're doing, but rest assured whatever it is... it's PURE EVIL.
Okay, so I go up to them. They flip out and run for cover behind the table and flip a switch on the machine. It looks like they electrocuted (or something) the moose. Or deer. Or elk. Or whatever. NOT THE MOOSE, DEER, ELK, OR WHATEVER!!!
After being electrocuted or something, the animal rises from the table and attacks me. Ohhh, it's a caribou.
... well, that's just fucking absurd.
To be continued...
B.@.D