My Brief Stint In the Priesthood....

As a youth growing up in Southern Alberta my parents did their damndest to try and instill a healthy fear of the possibility of eternal damnation to steer me down the righteous path to Salvation.  To this day I still believe there will be a Day of Reckoning where the cumulative actions of my lifetime will be evaluated and I will either get the option of spending eternity with my Dad, Farrah Fawcett and Patrick Swayze.......or else I will spend the balance of forever with B.@.D.  So here begins the story of a young, shiny, 18 year old bright eyed Dylf who began his path down the road into the Priesthood.

O.K.  That never actually happended but my parents did their best to make me attend Sunday congregations on a regular basis and I was baptized and confirmed into a/the Church at one point in time.  The real story I want to tell is about the time I woke up on the street dressed up as a priest........
(closest facsimile to photo of incident I have on file...)
(B.@.D. or The Prince may have better ones actually...)

Flashback.....The year is 2003.....You can't turn on a radio without hearing Andre 3000 talking about shaking shit like a polaroid picture.....The U.S. infantry has just captured Saddam Hussein .....B.@.D. just got his first handjob....and my first wife had kicked me out and I was gettin' more ass than a toilet seat in a Mexican restaurant.  It's mid June.  I awaken to the sounds of birds chirping....fresh air, the smell of dew....a gentle breeze....and a door hitting me square in the top of the head as someone steps over top of me to get out of the apartment building of the front stoop I have passed out on....I rub my eyes for close to five minutes cause I'm still loaded and then sit up.  That's when it hits me.....I'm dressed up as a priest....

Disclaimer....I remember putting on my priest outfit the night before prior to going out boozing as I thought it would be funny.  The rest of that night I was blackout drunk so the balance of the following day i spent piecing together what exactly transpired the night before.......for those of you wondering about the priest outfit, i had purchased it back in University for a re-enactment me and some "acquaintences" were doing of the Madonna "Like A Prayer" video except we were doing the scenes that had been cut from the original video.....giggidy....

Ok....so i'm on the step dressed as a priest....i realize it is the front step to my buddy Suzi's house where I was staying for the weekend....I buzz his apartment....no answer....I call his cell....no answer....I call my ex-girlfriend (post ex-wife)....no answer....(i start to think i'm actually dead at this time)....i call my ex-wife....of course she answered and then i kinda wished i was dead....my ex-girlfriend calls back and asks me what's up and i give her the details and she laughs....apparently i had called her at around 4am all drunk up looking for 4am action to no avail, but she did invite me over later that day for coffee....giggidy....so I've got a time frame of when i was packing it in, 4am.....look at my watch and it's still earliy-ish - 9am..... i hit the Second Cup down the street and drink $15 worth of coffee and get many dirty looks....its 11am now and the bar i was at last night is now open so i head down to go see who is working and if they know what is up.....my good buddy Eli is opening and as soon as he sees me he starts howling with laughter so i know he must have been working last night.....he fills me in on the events that took place in the bar which among other things included me handing out a bunch of fortune cookies that got a bunch of dirty looks as well....according to Eli the fortunes inside of the cookies all said "My God beats the f*** out of your God".....ok.....that's not good...don't know where those came from.....but Eli did tell me that I came to the bar with Suzi at around 10pm and left around 1am......at this point I feel the rumbling in my tummy so I head next door for some lunch.....

DOUBLE DOG baby!!!!  A Double Dog is a local favorite where 2 European Wieners are butterflied and served with all the toppings on a hoagie bun....delicious....again dirty looks abound.....half way through I get a call from Suzi and he's at his apartment and on his way over to join me.....

ANOTHER DOUBLE DOG baby!!!!  As we sit there eating the processed pig parts, Suzi starts to fill in the gaps....apparently we split a dozen or so beers and about 6 rev drinks at his place prior to rolling out to a party at one of his old girlfriends house's....we get over to the house and it isn't really a party per se....it's Suzi's girl and her roommate which had both of us wondering exactly what type of party this was....anyway....we made idle chit chat and had a few more drinks...i snagged some dessert off of the dessert tray and it was delicious...we had another drink and that's when Suzi says I commented that it looked to me like his face was melting or spinning....ohhhhhhhh....brownies.....riiiiight.....Suzi continues to tell me that he didn't have any of the brownies but he did watch me and the girls craft up the fortune cookies in the kitchen....apparently his ex-girl had a box of fortune cookies we removed all of the fortunes from with tweezers and then printed up the new ones on the computer, cut them to size and then inserted them back into the cookies....apparently by this time it was around 10pm and we were to meet some other people at the bar so we ditch the girls and head out....so now i have from the beginning of the night until 1am all pieced together but there are still way too many questions i have;
  • Where did we go at 1pm?
  • Why did I sleep on Suzi's front stoop?
Ok, I guess that's only 2 questions.  Suzi continues....1am rolls around and he gets a call from the girls to get back to their place which we more than happily oblige...as soon as we get there he's gone with his girly and i am left to make small talk with the roommate...this part is blurry but i do remember my phone ringing as i'm laying next to her fully clothed and she is in some state of undress and that's where i'm black out drunk again....so i know i must go from this house back to Suzi's stoop and Suzi stays there with girly but still no recollection how and still too much missing time to simply brush off....shit!!!

OF COURSE!!!  My incoming call log on my cell phone!!!  It cock-blocked me at 1:30amish....it surely has all the answers...I looked at the screen...1:37am incoming call from Peter! Yes!  Peter had  also been bartending the previous night with Eli, he would surely be the keymaster!!!  I called Peter and he was still awake from the last night.  He went on to tell me that I showed up in a cab back at the bar and ended up going back to his place with him, a couple waitresses (Serenity and Isabelle) and some other friends to party.  He said the last he saw of me I was down on the street in front of his place in Serenity's car and from what he and everybody could see from his 3rd floor apartment window "something" may or may not have been happening....really???  Dressed as a priest???  C'est incroyable!!!

Anyway, I confirmed with Serenity that she had dropped me off at Suzi's place and that she was in reality digging through her purse placed precariously on the center consol (sure)....and then Suzi's neighbors confirmed with me that I had been banging and pulling on the apartment front door from 3am to about 3:30am buzzing the buzzers trying to get let in until someone yelled down they were calling the cops at which time i could be heard placing my incoherent and failed booty call.....i spent like $200 on starbucks gift cards as apologies......

The morale.....there is no morale.....apologies to any of the church going population....i was young....i was an idiot....i was offensive for no rhyme or reason....i used to party hard....too hard some may say....i take full accountability for all my actions always....i'm thankful i've never hurt anyone and that i've toned it down.....as always my life is pretty much an open book.....

...oh yeah...Suzi and me went out again that following night.....now that got messy....

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

you are like a never-ending bible of drinking stories

Anonymous said...

gp

Anonymous said...

Gp Dylfie!

Anonymous said...

Good work Dylfie!!!!

Anonymous said...

Needs more B@D

Anonymous said...

Very nice Dylf.... I knew thered be a twist when I read "priesthood"

Anonymous said...

Gp! Always a fun read when its Dylf day....

Anonymous said...

Hey dude, nice work as always... Are you gonna do more pirate haikus? I forwarded that shit so you should do more

Dylf said...

pirate haikus can be arranged....

Anonymous said...

please do! the more visible erections there are on this page, the more likely you are to retain my viewership.

Anonymous said...

GP Dylf!!

Anonymous said...

okay so how are there no pictures of you dressed up as the priest?!?!

Dylf said...

......i've got some kicking around somewhere, but it was a tearaway priest shirt from one of my weekend gigs.....

Anonymous said...

motherfucker, you are a riot

Anonymous said...

GP Dylf!!!

Anonymous said...

slim pickings this week, but at least we had winners from B@D and Dylf!