So my neighbor used to be a prostitute.....
Whoa.....wait a minute!!! That's not right....not Verna next door right now....what I mean is that a neighbor I used to have back in the day right after my ex-wife gave me the boot was a prostitute....well actually, at the time i moved in and became her neighbor she only had a couple regulars at that time, she was more or less a madame beacuse her original madame had just been thrown in jail for 2 years and somebody had to run the show (that's actually how i figured out what my neighbor did...i saw her on the front page of the local Sun Newspaper walking the jailed madame out of court...i asked her and she told me...) Anyways....my old neighbor was a hooker (for conversational purposes lets use a random name....mmmm let's call her Serenity)
....anyway, i moved in next to Serenity about 2 weeks after my ex-wife had given me official notice that she fucking hated me (like not having sex for the previous 2 years wasn't enough of a clue), and we sparked off a quick friendship despite the brief setback early on when i realized she was a professional....Serenity was my age, we had similar tastes in music and she was a hooker and a bit of a chronic so she was exactly the type of neighbor i needed to dull the pain of a pending divorce....we were never romantic, she considered me pretty much like a big brother or like a slightly masculine madame (emphasis on slightly), i remember one time when we were talking and i told her if she ever had "work issues" to give me a holler,...she says that "the walls are so thin in this place if i ever have problems i'd be screaming at the top of my lungs....'DYLIE GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!!! GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!!!' "....i remember thinking that was sweet and that i was only one step away from being a pimp...but whatevs....
I went out with Serenity and a couple of her girls a couple times to see some live music and it was pretty cool....one time i got so wasted i thought i was in vancouver so Serenity had to put me in a cab and put my Driver's License in my hand so the cabby knew where we were going because i was beyond words....i'd go over to her place with her and the girls and watch movies, drink, passout, wake up, walk across the hall and go to bed and we actually had a pretty good friendship....
so this one time i woke up at my place and i couldn't find my pants.............i couldn't find my pants for five hours......i called suzi to see what we had done the night before.....i called mom and dad in disbelief (which was one of the worst ideas ever).....i looked everywhere...under the bed, under the couch, in the garbage, in the oven, in the fridge.....checked all my call logs etc.....no evidence of the missing trousers....i say to my self...self...they must be at Serenity's place....i walk across the hall to Serenity's all hang-dog ashamed because i figure that i am now officially a "John"..the conversation was pretty much as follows:
Serenity "Hey Dylfie"
Dylf "Hi Serenity, what's up?"
Serenity "Oh you know.." smirking "the sky"
Dylf "Yeah...my blood pressure too...:
Dylf "so sweetie...are....my pants over here?....by any chance?"
Serenity "Oh fuck no sweets....i wouldn't let that happen!"
Dylf "What's that suppossed to mean?"
Serenity "....uhhmmm, nothing..."
Dylf "you think i'm ugly!"
Serenity "I don't!"
Dylf "you do....you do think i'm ugly!"
Serenity "Hey, I'll fuck you right now!!!"
Dylf ".....so my pants...."
Serenity "i did see you through my peep-hole at about 3am when you got home and you weren't wearing them then......."
Dylf "........i love you"
Serenity "I LOVE YOU TOO!!!"
Embrace, Kiss, Serenity's hand on my buttocks, Romantic music crescendos, Fade to black....end scene....
(that last part after the peep-hole comment didn't happen but it's a way better ending than saying i still don't know what happened to those pants.....i loved those pants)