Unprotected Sects

This was an actual letter sent out by the St. Mary's Church.

Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if someone you know may have gone astray from the Lord.

I decided to weigh the survey against myself instead.

1) Wears an unusual amount of black clothing.

2) Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.
Like, when girls have them? CHECK.

3) Wears a pentagram, inverted cross, or an ankh (an ancient Egyptian symbol used in Satanic Ba’al-worshipping rituals).
I'm not familiar with about half the words in this sentance. Nope.

4) Wears rock or heavy metal T-shirts.
... not often, but sometimes. And, may I add, really?

5) Listens to dangerous GOTH bands such as Marilyn Manson, Rammestein, or to other antisocial music (See our 'Banned Music' section for more information).
See answer to question 4.

6) "Hangs out" with new friends.
Strangers are insignifigant insects.

*** Editors Note: I'm already at 5, and there's only been 6 questions. ***

7) Cross-dresses or wears eye-liner.
How does sometime decide whether something like eye-liner is good or bad? 3 years ago I was a french maid for Halloween, so I'm f'ed on this one. Check!

8) Eats cockroaches/bugs/insects.
OK, this might actually be cause for concern. Negative. Sucks to be a contestant on Fear Factor!

9) Demands an unusual amount of privacy.
Unusual like hanging out with new friends? Probably.

10) Shows diminished interest in wholesome activities, such as church, prayer, and sports.

11) Dyes his/her hair black/red/green.
Not the hair on my head...

12) Takes drugs.
Perscription? Street? Specifics please. Also: flash-forward to generic clueless Cathloic parent shotgunning his kid to Christian Boot Camp for that time he took a Children's Tylenol for the scraped knee.

13) Shops at ‘Hot Topic’

14) Attempts to cut off a part of their own body.
We go from Hot Topic to this. Awesome. And negative.

15) Self-harms or mutilates their own body.
I'm pretty sure drinking falls into this category. CHECK.

16) Attempts suicide.
I didn't realize before reading this survey that this was a warning sign or cry for help.

17) Talks about suicide.
See above.

18) Burns or defecates on the Holy Bible.
Uh... no.

19) Curses God’s name.

20) Owns a copy of the ‘Satanic Bible’

21) Prays to Satan.

22) Doesn't associate with intelligent, well-adjusted friends of their own age group.
Stupid babies need the most attention.

23) Has bad personal hygene.
Well, I'll probably shit myself reading this, so... check.

24) Stays up late at night.
If I'm not asleep by 8 PM I drop NyQuil and ram my head against the wall until I pass out. Anything past 8 PM is the devil's time.

25) Drinks human blood.
Nope, but I'll add this to the maybe one or two other questions on here that may actually be cause for concern.

26) Is a vegan or vegetarian.
Pour que? Non.

27) Watches MTV.
No, but come on now, MTV is too stupid to be the anti-Christ.

28) Complains of headaches, boredom, nausea, stabbing pains or thirst.
Uh-oh... these pretzels are making me thirsty...

29) Is secretive.
None of your business.

30) Spends large amounts of time alone.
Only so I can shit on the Bible.

31) Spends large amounts of time with people you don’t know.
Nope, I know them, they're thirsty vegans in Hot Topic hoodies.

32) "Forgets" to do chores, possibly because of drug or alcohol abuse.
It can't just be that some people could prefer fun over work? No, you're right, that's the smack talking.

33) Hears music which only sounds like noise, possibly because of drug or alcohol abuse.
I'm pretty sure trance falls into this category. Check.

34) Uses a computer or the Internet.
Only so I can take these surveys. Check.

35) Eats occult-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.
Count Chocula, you fucking idiots, it's Count Chocula. And no, but damned if it isn't delicious.

36) Plays video games or role-playing games.
Final Fantasy is the devil. Check.

37) Has a ‘MySpace’ account. (You can check someone's internet history.)
Negative, but I consider Facebook a satisfactory alternative. CHECK!

38) Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)
Oh for the love of... CABLE TELEVISION?!? Check!!!

38) Reads science fiction or fantasy books.
Spock is the devil, the ears are a dead giveaway.

39) Owns any movie by director ‘Tim Burton’ or 'Peter Jackson'.
Lord Of The Rings all the way. Check.

40) Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.
All the time. Pelvic thrust and check.

41) Writes angry entries in a secret diary.
Obviously not a well-kept secret if you know the answer. And if it's not a secret, is this site an acceptable alternative in itself?

42) Writes poetry.
Eat shit, creative people.

43) Has friends who have retardations / mongolism / birth defects.

44) Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.
I don't think Hindus would appreciate this one. Negative.

45) Owns a copy of ‘Mein Kampf’.

46) Reads Anne Rice books.
I had to look up who this is. Now that I know, I'm pretty sure the church would say that I'm fucked all the same. But negative.

47) Owns Nazi memorabilia.

48) Has paranoid fantasies.

49) Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.

50) Drinks his / her own urine/excrement.

51) Drinks his/her friend's urine/excrement.

52) Tortures a dog/cat.

53) Wears fangs or dresses like a vampire.
I hadn't thought of it... until just now.

54) Owns an exessive amount of Horror movies.
Only Dawn Of The Dead. 3 Resident Evil movies, and The Langoliers.

55) Attacks random people in the street.
Only green-haired Trekkie poet mongoloids who would rather watch cable than do their chores, but they're not really people.

56) Talks to himself/herself.
I think I'm kind of doing that right now.

57) Sleeps too much or too little.
Who doesn't?

58) Eats too much or too little.
Check. I gots to eat.

59) High interest in sex.
Game, set, and match!

60) Is homosexual / bi-sexual.

61) Refuses to leave the house during daylight hours.
Into the natural light? Surely you jest.

62) Refuses to eat any food containing garlic.
Really? REALLY?

63) Summons the Devil or holds Satanic masses.
Only when I'm SCREAMING high.

64) Smokes dangerous drugs, such as marijuana / crack cocaine.
Because I was high, because I was high, because I was hiiiii-hiiiiigh.

65) Reads Harry Potter books.
Negative, but I was wondering when we'd get to old Danny Radcliffe.

66) Leaves syringes or other drug paraphernalia around the house.
Of course not, that's just asking to get caught.

67) Mocks authority figures such as teachers, guidance counselors or Jesus.
Come on - I've known and hang around a fair amount of Christians, and I've never heard Jesus as called an "authority figure". A little higher regard than a parking enforcement judge should be required, no?

68) Dresses like everyday is Halloween.
That's money for 364 costumes that I don't have. No.

69) Says, "I am a GOTH."
I just said it to myself while reading the question. Thanks, St. Mary's.

70) Wears a pin that says, "I am a GOTH."
- They only sell that shit at Hot Topic, and I don't go in there because that's where the Hindu Nazi Vegetarian Vampires who like to have sex shop.

71) Talks about going to GOTH clubs or parties.
The only reason that I get a pass on this some of this stuff is because I don't think trance in on the church's radar yet. Pass.

72) Asks for locks of hair from casual acquaintances.
Toenail clippings, actually.

73) Sleeps in a coffin.
No spank you.

74) Behaves in any unusual or alarming way.

75) Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases or anything like this: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "Woe is me", or "I'm a goth".
No, but I should probably start after tallying up my score here.

If five or more of these apply to a friend or family member, please intervene immediately. The Satanic and gothic cultures are dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center.

I'm not sure what my score is, but it's WAY more than 5.

Now, I consider myself a Progressive Christian. Basically, for me that means I believe in Christianity. It's just that I don't believe that I'm going to Hell for saying Hell. Some people will incorrectly take that to mean that I am a "Diet Christaian", but those people will promptly receive a "fuck off" for their efforts.

Regardless of what anytone may think, I have an extrordinary amount of faith. But like I said, it's faith in Christianity, NOT in the church, per se.

So I have no problem saying FUCKING HELL, St. Mary's needs to pull its head out of its ass.


Song For Today:
"Ashley (First State Remix)
- Filo & Peri

Album For Today:
"Las Vegas '10"
- Markus Schulz


Anonymous said...

hahahahaha nicely done
classic Bad

Anonymous said...

didnt you already do that album?

Anonymous said...

B@D you are quite the Armada Music whore, arentcha?

Mizzle said...

That was pretty funny stuff bad. Half way through I had to stop self mutilating, eating my shit chased with a cup of your pee, turn down my goth music, take my Nazi issued gas mask off, turn down the cable tv and switch away from the porn, all so I could concentrate on doing this survey.

I didn't do so well either and was wondering if you wanted to sit together on the train to hell?

Anonymous said...

I think you mean STAND together - I'm thinking it'll be a pretty crowded train, and seats will be hard to come by.

But sure! We should get some "I AM A GOTH" pins so that we can fit in.

Anonymous said...

GAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA nice work - easily the best post of the site so far

Anonymous said...

CLASSIC bad is right - this is the stuff i remember from the old site

to DYLF and MIZZLES heckler - F off. why read them if you dont like them?

Anonymous said...

hahahaha vegans go to hell? yikes, looks like i dont need to go to church anymore. if this really is from st marys, they can suck it.

Anonymous said...

Frankly, B.@.D, I would say that anyone reading this site would agree that you are not headed to a good place. I am a Christian, and there is no such thing as a "progressive Christian". You have either accepted Jesus or you have not. You, clearly, have not. And while I don't believe in telling people that they are going to hell because that is judgement and judgement is wrong, I will say that it is my opinion that you are not headed for a good place.

Yours in Christ!

Anonymous said...

wholly fuck

Anonymous said...

See above.

Anonymous said...

wow. too bad theres not a name on that one.

Anonymous said...

see, now it really IS like the old site! when the crazies come out hahaha

seriously - you really believe vegans are going to hell, hey? wow.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

that markus schulz album isnt out yet....... GP tho

Anonymous said...

hahahaha i love it - thirsty vegans in hot topic hoodies

The Prince said...

I started really laughing/crying somewhere at 8pm is devil's time...

Anonymous said...

hahahahaha amen

FU Mary

Dylf said...

If the jesuit heckler is referring to b@d clearly going to a not nice place weekdays from 8am to 5pm she's bang on....

Ozi-Style said...

Yep good post - does it count against you if you use the Lord's name during sex?

Anonymous said...

1010 hits!!!

Anonymous said...

Ozi - good point!!! Probably hahaha

The Prince said...

Nothing in the survey about pirate haikus??? I'm really strating to doubt the validity of this survey.

Anonymous said...

yeah - its like BAD says, trance isnt on their radar because it's not right in front of them. pirates arent in front of them either.

Jaderberri said...

hahaha, Well I guess I am definitely in trouble then...

Anonymous said...

guh. aren't we all.

Anonymous said...

Jaderberri when are you going to write?

Anonymous said...

the only reason i'm glad to see the nutty comment is that BAD works best when confronted with negative comments

im surprised he didnt stand up for miz and DLYF already

Anonymous said...

when is the next post up?

St Mary's "Crazie" said...

Perhaps all of you should acnowledge the possibility that more people with like-minded views as myself have read this and feel the same, and just choose to not waste their time commenting.

Anonymous said...

Well then SM Crazie.. perhaps you should do yourself a favour and follow suit of your like minded friends.... or just not bother reading at all.

Anonymous said...

well said!

Anonymous said...