I hate water......fish fuck in it......

so to preface this entry.....i have been drinking tonight, but only in moderation (i've had 2 double scotch neat, 2 double dry gin martini with 2 olives and right now a southern alberta treat....a rye and diet coke)......and i guess that would be the best place to jump into the post.....

a few nights ago when i was just recently emancipated from my previous employer (a.k.a. B.@.D's future) i was feeling particularily self-deservant so i went out back for a cigar and some scotch and a few hits from the west coast "glaucoma fixer" and the next thing i knew i was in the basement climbing into the clawfoot bathtub...(recently me and the missus finished some home reno's and built ourselves basically a turkish bath in the basement)..........now i've never been an avid swimmer or anything, for quite sometime as a youth i fucking hated the water and going to the swimming pool, that is until i figured out how to jam my crotch right up against the water jet in the wall of the pool........anyways, back to my story....so i climb into our huge tub and after a couple minutes.....i figured out how to breath underwater..........(long pause).....i had poured myself a drink of crystal light to stay hydrated and put in a cd to optimize my chillaxization (it will be in my album for now section later on)......i was completely immursed/emmursed in water with only my knees sticking out of the water.....i started to see how deep into the water i could submerge my nostrils without taking on water so to speak.....and as i'm staring down at my knees the water in the tub, what i'm looking at turns into the most serene aquascape i've ever set my eyes on....i may have seen swans floating on the water and i may have seen b.@.d riding a unicorn betwen my knees...,(long pause #2)......so i bored of this after sometime and decided to see if a had really morphed into Aquaman......next i tried to fall asleep with my head resting on a water pillow.....at one point i did have one nostril completely submerged and was able to breath in normally through my nose without drowning (it kind of felt like one half of my head was a sponge but it wasn't allowing the water to get to my lungs and drown me)......i think i actually figured out the inhalation coefficient of water......i tried breathing out of the corners of my mouth with my face fully submerged to no avail and a variety of other really stupid things, only to jump out of tub coughing and gagging and crying and turgid...staring in the full sized wall mirror like there was a cobra in my lap ready to strike.....the moral of this story, thank fuck mrs. dylf is a nurse and she knows C.P.R....

p.s. if b.@.d's was ever in a horror movie he would be the guy in the blue shirt above.......and i would be the green motherfucker.....look at the bridge between my legs.....

Album for Now : Wavering Radient - Isis