Meet the Drago's...
Did I mention that the prequel to this game had a meterorite falling within the first 5 minutes? Instead, I'm going outside to meet our neighbours 'The Drago's' and their babies, who are apparently 'really cute'.
So I get out of bed. This isn't a bad room for a farm kid, but it looks like they have a kettle AND a fireplace in the room for a 3-6 year old. Yeah, that seems pretty safe. Oh, and I have to use a ladder to get in and out of the room.
I go downstairs and Mom tells me that Lincoln has been up for a while, playing with the Drago's. I guess she thought I didn't know that despite the fact that he yelled it throughout the house. I hope he got in trouble for that shit. She then tells me to change out of my pijamas before I go outside, and I can either say yes or no. Later on, when I get Locke to attack him for waking me up, I want Mom remembering that I was obedient today, so I say yes.
I go upstairs and change into my day clothes. So far this game is about as exciting as a weekend with Batman. Mom then says I look 'manlier' now, and to go have fun. This makes me feel like a TOTAL FUCKING NINJA HARDASS!!! I go outside and there is an old looking man who is not my father standing outside. I sure hope that's my grandfather. It is, phew. He says that today's the day we head back home, and that he's going to miss us. So I DON'T have to live on this farm? Awesome. But what about Buttercup, my best friend?!?!?!
Then I talk to Buttercup about this sad turn of events. She's clearly as devastated as I am.
Clearly she's hurting as bad as I am, and just doesn't want to talk about it. Then I talk to the pigs, who don't like each other much. Also, the chicken calls me a 'late riser'. I make a mental note to ask Grandpa Alec to kill THAT ONE for us to eat tonight. I then save my game by talking to a frog. I then attempt to head south, but the game tells me that I "can't go forward because I'll step on some ants." Wow, I must be a TOTAL FUCKING NINJA HARDASS.
I then run into Lincoln, who is apparently playing with monsters... that are the Drago's... oh shit, they ARE dragons!!! Damn. I was just kidding when I said I hoped they we're dragons earlier. Boy, is my face red. He tells me I should play too. I agree, because I'm going to lull him into a false sense of security before I kick him in the balls for waking me.
Then shit gets wierd. He tells me to "ram" the Drago, which I've been told is a baby. Before I can protest, Grandpa Alec comes in to put a stop to it. And by put a stop to it, I mean he wants to TEACH me how to "ram" the Drago. Then I watch as Lincoln demonstrates. He kneels down, then charges headfirst directly into the Drago, which again, I've been told is a BABY, lizard or not. It keels over. What the fuck is wrong with my family?!?!?!
Then he tells me it's my turn, and the lizard stands up again, obedient and ready to be rammed. Um, what the fuck? Do their parents know we're beating the shit out of their babies for fun? Or is this an abusive slavery metaphor of some sort? Grandpa says that I'll never succeed with such a 'sullen' look on my face. Hey asshole, you want me to "ram" a baby lizard that can't / won't defend itself for the first time in my life, and I'm 3-6 years old. Maybe a sullen look or two should be expected? Just saying is all. Then Lincoln offers me some more advice:
Okay, so Grandpa Alec has totally warped my brother. It's too late for him. I take a mental note to NEVER turn my back on him again.
Then I go to the Dragos and ask them why they're putting up with this shit. They can't talk yet, but I do get this:
Okay, fuck this. I'm not doing this. I try to get away, but Grandpa Alec stops me. They're actually going to make me ram this fucking thing. Then he says this:
My Grandfather is totally fucking sadistic. When did he say we we're leaving?!?!?! Why the fuck did we ever come here?!?!?! Clearly Grandpa Alec is a motherfucker of the highest order.
I can't get away, so I have no option but to 'ram' it. I do so, and a big piece of my childhood and a much bigger piece of my innocence, files away.
Before I have a chance to lose my shit and start bawling, a "mole cricket" comes in, and says he wants to playfight too. The screen goes into battle mode and I am fighting the fucking mole cricket. He says he is going to wipe the floor with me.
Huh, so this is all about you, is it, mole circket? Okay, we'll see about that shit.
A minute ago I might have thought twice about fighting a cricket, similar to how I refused to step on ants. But I am a different person since my grandfather and brother forced me to spear a defenseless fucking baby lizard. Besides, ramming an animal that doesn't fight back is one thing, but now I'm being challenged.
So get ready to shit piss and piss shit, mole cricket.
The mole cricket bites both me and Lincoln. BASH TO YOUR FUCKING DOME!!! Lincoln finishes him off and the mole cricket surrenders. I am a TOTAL FUCKING NINJA HARDASS!!! And Lincoln had to get the final blow, eh? One more transgression to add to the list.
The mole cricket says we have 'more of a spine' then he thought, and that he can 'train' us if we want. Um... pass? He then says that the next time we meet, it'll be at the 'Big Mole Cricket Hole Stadium'. Uh, no. I don't want to go there. Too many moles. Filthy, filthy creatures. And it probably smells. Like the farm.
All right, that's it for today. This shit is twisted. Can I get off this fucking farm now please, before they ask me to start snaring gophers? And have I mentioned a distinct lack of meteorite in this game so far?
B.@.D
