Could Facebook Destroy Your Marriage?
Published September 16, 2010
We all know how the story goes: Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl—blah, blah, blah. Save that version for Hollywood. How about this one? Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy grows up and marries someone else. But then Boy rekindles the friendship with his former flame on Facebook—and ends up totally wrecking his marriage.
No. No, uh-uh, stop right there, whoa, back up, brakes.
I'm not sure what is more glaringly stupid about the last part of that statement. The notion that someone NEEDS Facebook to connect with an old boyfriend or girlfriend, or the notion that a marriage or relationship that's so weak that it can't sustain the adding of said old boyfriend or girlfriend... could possibly be the straw that could actually make someone even CONSIDER terminating their legally-binding contract of marriage.
I’m hearing this real-life story more often: A tale of high school sweethearts trying to go “back to the future,” only to realize they should have been content to leave those memories in that old shoebox in storage.
And this relates to Facebook... how?
In the end, we’re only human. We all romanticize the past, men and women alike. And no memories are more potent than those first youthful fumblings. We tend to remember the good parts and forget the bad. Until the advent of Facebook, though, most of us were compelled to leave the past in the past and move on. But now exes of all stripes—high school sweethearts, college lovers, former hookups—are popping up on Facebook.
As for romanticizing the past, okay, you're right there. But seriously - if your marraige's trust-foundation is composed entirely of CheeseStrings, (and I honestly think that is how some people prefer it for some reason, but hey, whatever moves your furniture) then WHY ARE YOU ADDING YOUR EX or lover or fling or hookup or whatever in the first place?
And I’m no exception. In the past few years, I’ve heard from at least three exes who wanted to be my Facebook friend or found my website and e-mailed me out of the blue. And while it’s ever-so tempting to accept these friend requests, or to fire back a quick “of course I remember you” e-mail, I haven’t done so. That was then; this is now. And in those rare instances where I have accepted an ex as a Facebook friend, or written back, I’ve informed my wife and let her read every correspondence. Not because she doesn’t trust me, but because we have nothing to hide.
... because everyone who you ever heavy-petted with MUST be out to jump your bones, right bud? It sounds like you're saying that everyone... BESIDES YOU... can't grow up or move on. It can't be because someone might legitimately want to see how you are? Are you saying that... you're SO sexy that everyone wants to fuck you... AND that you're such an asshole that no one cares how you are beyond the fucking?
But okay. You've informed your wife. That is a good move, absolutely. I do wonder how much water there actually is in that " it's not because she doesn't trust me!" statement, but because I don't know you, let's accept that as the case. You're being supervised on a level that can't be comfortable for either of you. But if that's what makes you happy, go for it.
Once you have something to hide, that’s where the trouble begins.
Well no shit. That goes without saying. Pointing out the obvious doesn't make your point any more valid.
So are you spending more time Facebooking with a former fling than face-timing with your partner? Being in a long-term relationship isn't easy. To do it well, a couple must maintain a high degree of transparency and dependability. For example, at any given time, my wife can text me, e-mail me, ping me, call me on the cell, try me on the home line, or sometimes just walk into the next room and tap me on the shoulder if she’s feeling particularly energetic. It’s safe to say we pretty much know each other’s move, which admittedly doesn’t always make for the most exciting relationship.
I'm not sure where you're going with this. This doesn't flow at all. Nor does it seem to have anything to do with Facebook. It sort of sounds like you're trying to say that some people get bored of fucking each other. Is that it? If it is, that's a problem completely independant of Facebook and any exes you have that are or aren't on there. Being bored of schtupping the same person isn't solved by going on Facebook and talking to some other whore you've schtupped. You can't fuck someone with Facebook.
... can you? Is there an app for that now? There are a few ports on my laptop that I'm not entirely sure of the function...
While relationships require transparency and dependability, sexual attraction thrives on the opposite: unpredictability and mystery. Therein lies the relationship rub: how do we share everything with our partners and yet also remain mysterious and unpredictable? By working at it, and not turning to the Internet for our thrills.
Sexual attraction thrives on unpredictability and mystery? What the fuck? Since when?
So this is no longer about Facebook? It's about the internet now?
When two people strike up an e-mail or Facebook relationship, it’s easy to begin idealizing each other and blur the line between fantasy and reality. An intense sense of intimacy is quickly fostered. The instant gratification of these technologies stimulates reward centers in the brain, and it’s easy to find oneself craving the quick hit of an instant connection or lamenting its absence. Even without the senses driving attraction, the mind goes into overdrive and imagines that this is the perfect person and the perfect relationship. And when an ex is involved, the stakes and temptations are even higher. It’s all too easy to let the past hijack the present.
The sad thing is, the guy is dead on at everything in this statement and there are actually idiots out there that do think like that. That's pretty sad. I'm not sure if you're still saying Facebook is destroying marriages anymore. It is the fucking title of the article after all, but if you're still going with that, then your argument gets weaker and more distant with each paragraph. It sort of seems like you've given up.
Let's talk common sense though - if you're spouse is getting a bit bored in your marriage... and then goes online to Facebook and falls in love or cheats or whatever... with an ex or otherwise...
... maybe you're better off.
And maybe Facebook isn't to blame.
Maybe Facebook even did you a favor in showing you that your spouse isn't built for a long-term relationship, and is, in fact, an extremely weak person.
My point is, no one who's ever lost a spouse do this kind of thing has ever gone "FUCK YOU FACEBOOK!!! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!"
Here’s something else interesting: As a sex therapist, I tend to hear a lot about people’s sexual habits, both when they’re with their partner and when they’re on their own. In terms of self-pleasuring, there was a time not so long ago when most men used their imaginations to fuel their fantasies and guys would scour their own erotic histories for “memorable moments” in order to get their fingers to do the walking. But today, the Internet offers so much intense visual stimulation and variety, and makes gratification so easy, that most men have forgotten how to use their sexual imaginations or simply are too lazy. It’s like the difference between reading and watching TV.
Now there's a fact I could have done without.
You're a fucking SEX THERPAIST?!?! Holy shit. You really should not be sitting down with people, as a professional no less, and telling them that the internet is ruining their relationship.
If you can't fuck your wife because porn is somehow ruining it for you... THEN YOU SHOULD PROBABLY STOP FUCKING WATCHING PORN!!! Don't throw your computer out the goddamn window. For fucks sakes, how does anyone live without e-mail in this day and age? And you can't buy a cell phone WITHOUT web capability anymore. So do you tell these idiots to toss the phone too? There's magazines located at gas stations, so you better stop driving too.
However, men who are Facebooking with their exes and falling in love all over again are often skipping the computer when it comes to self-pleasuring and going back those potent formative memories to get themselves off. That’s how strong the past is – even stronger than Internet porn!
But you just said...
Whether you’re a man or a woman, if you find you’re thinking more and more about the past, and getting to the point where you’re fantasizing about what it would be like to be with that person again, it’s time to unplug your computer—get back to your lover
Professional Sex Therapist is right. No one ever thought about their ex without the help of a computer. So turn it off. Get back to your lover, push all those your mentally-crippling doubts about your marriage to the back of your head where they absolutely posatively will not fester, close your eyes, and do the best you can to not picture someone else anyway.
It will all be over soon.
I'll be in my trailer. I need to get back to my lover. (Dylf gets uneasy when I'm gone for long periods of time, or go on the internet.)