Welcome. For those who don't know me, I'm a small town girl, trying to make it in the big city. Which for me is kinda hard to do with a social phobia brought about by or directly in relation to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
Let me start by telling y'all a little about where I come from. I'm from Newfoundland. Even better than actually being from Newfoundland, I'm from an island off the Northeast coast of Newfoundland. I'm literally from "The Rock". If you haven't had the pleasure of visiting Newfoundland, make it one of your go to places of any season (well maybe not in winter unless your a masochist), go, get screeched in, learn some of the local customs and language. Vacation in a foreign country right here in Canada.
I'm currently living and working in Calgary. I have been here for three years. Which is like a foreign country compared to where I come from, I'm talking a place of about 400 people to a city of almost a million. Which probably contributes to the social phobias, anthropologists might even call it culture shock. I would like to think that's actually why I am the way I am, it would be an easy explanation. But if there is one thing I've learned in 34 years, its that nothing is easy.
Two events from my childhood contributed to both the social phobia and the OCD (and I'm pretty sure a Psychologist would say Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and depression). The first being sexual abuse by someone I trusted, the second, being held up at a local convenience store I was working in.
Let me tell you a little about Social Phobias and OCD. Crowds scare me, the thought of being surrounded by a throng of people I don't know is the cause of many a sleepless night and panic attack. The thought of meeting new people is even worse, if that's possible, so I don't date and avoid going places where I don't know anyone (which if you have been keeping track means I don't go anywhere because I'm still fairly new in town. My OCD is somewhat different than the traditional definition of OCD, I don't have to tap things three times, or wash my hands 100 times a day, but I do have obsessive negative thoughts which also contribute to the social phobia. Can you imagine being in a crowded food court at the local mall with this thought running through your head incessantly "Your not good enough, hes looking at you because your fat and ugly and he has never seen anything so disgusting in his life". Now you know why I prefer to stay at home.
So here is what we are going to do. Each week I am going to challenge myself to do something that scares the shite out of me and report back here the results, good or bad. This weeks challenge will consist of the following: I will go to the food court of Marlborough Mall alone and have a coffee and attempt to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger.
As the profile picture suggests having a social phobia and OCD is akin to being in jail, only there are no walls and bars keeping me confined, its my brain. And as the Moniker suggests, I'm in need of a serious Bailout. Please join me on the journey from darkness into light... In Search Of Sunrise.