"Martha Stewart is so greedy that the word greed shouldn't even apply to her. There should be a new word. Something like 'Piggy Piggy Piggy Martha Fuck Piggy Piggy.'"
- Lewis Black
The nice thing about Celebegacing (sure, why not) Martha Stewart is that no one really cares about the early to middle parts of her life. So I can summarize like a motherfucker. So to sum it up like a motherfucker:
She was born. She was middle class. She had 5 siblings. She was a child model for someone with very low standards. In college, she studied chemistry. Then she studied art. Then she studied European history. Then she studied architectural history. Then she married Andy. Then she had a daughter named Alexis.
After that, Martha became a stockbroker. I will repeat that. Martha Stewart became a stockbroker. MARTHA FUCKING STEWART BECAME A STOCK-FUCKING-BROKER. She did that for a few years, but then left, stating that she wanted to spend more time on her home and with her kids. As we all know, that's not what happened at all. Since then, what is more likely the truth has come out regarding her decision to stop stockbroking, that she was doing tricky illegal trading shit with a company called Levitz Furniture. She was under scrutiny for said tricky illegal trading shit, so she cheesed it home.
Martha and her husband then restored a really old farmhouse. Then Martha started a catering business in the basement with a friend of hers from her modeling days named Norma. Norma soon realized what the world had not yet realized - that Martha was a moody controlling bitch, AND that she was dishonest (Martha was taking caterinb jobs on the side without Norma's knowledge). Norma then legged it, and Martha bought her half of the business. Then she turned a store called The Market Basket into a big success.
Martha's husband Andy then became the president of a prominent New York City publisher and hired his wife to cater one of the book release events. There, she met Alan Mirken, head of Crown Publishing Group, who was impressed by her ability to take veggie spring rolls out of the freezer and put them into the oven, THEN put them onto a plate with a piece of lettuce. Naturally, he knew he had to get her to write a cookbook. Thus her first cookbook "Entertaining" was born, which became a huge success.
Except that Martha didn't actually write that book - it was ghostwritten by Elizabeth Hawes. Small details are unimportant though, so she "wrote" more books and newspaper columns. Having sucked all the life and opportunity out of Andy, she then divorced him. That asshole had really been holding her back (while he launched her career.)
Around the early 1990's, Martha got a deal with Time Magazine Publishing to develop the Martha Stewart Living magazine. Then she got a weekly half-hour service program based on the magazine, which was quickly expanded to a full hour, and soon went daily, with half-hour episodes on the weekends. Since overexposure clearly wasn't a concern of hers, she also joined The Early Show.
On the cover of their May 1995 issue, New York Magazine declared her as "the definitive American woman of our time". Oh, if they could only see into the future..
In the late 1990's, she and her business partner were able to secure funding to purchase all the products and projects relating to the Martha Stewart brand, and consolidated them into a new company, called Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia. She was the chairwoman, president, and CEO of the new company. In addition to everything she already had on the go, she also launched MarthaStewart.com, MarthaStewartFlowers.com, and Martha By Mail, a catalogue business.
She became a billionaire when she took her company public. She continues to be the majority shareholder, with a commanding 96% control of voting power in the company. I'm not sure why anyone else would ever show up to vote.
One day, while sitting atop her pile of money, she received non-public information from her stockbroker regarding her stock of ImClone Systems going down the tubes very soon. Not being willing to lose 0.000045673% of her net worth (actual figure), she engaged in insider trading and sold the stock immediately. The day following her sale, the stock value fell 16%.
The only problem was, she was found out. The press had an ever-loving fucking field day with this. Stewart insisted she was innocent. However, when interviewed about the subject during her regular segment on The Early Show, she continued tensely chopping cabbage, and famously quipped:
"I just want to focus on my salad."
She then resigned her position on the board of directors of the New York Stock Exchange like only the innocent would ever do. Then she stepped down as CEO and Chairwoman of her own company, because only someone guilty of a felony would have stayed.
In 2003, she was formally indicted by the US Govuernment on NINE counts including charges of securities fraud and obstruction of justice. She was quickly found guilty of conspiracy, obstruction of an agency proceding, and making false statements.
She was sentanced to prison for 5 months, (an absolute FRACTION of what your average layman would do having committed the same crime) and a 2-year period of supervised release. This included 5 months of electronic monitoring. She also paid a fine of $30,000, which is actually LESS than the amount of money she saved by doing the insider trading in the first place.
But at least she did go to prison. She said she couldn't go to prison in West Virginia because it would be way too hard for her 90-year old mother to visit... uh, kay. They sent her to Florida instead. Stewart said her prison nickname was "M. Diddy". That's fucking awesome. While in confinement, she took a job and became an informal liason between the administration and her fellow inmates.
... okay, I feel like I can't just let that information slide without taking a moment to mention how impressive that actually is. That she went to prison and not only didn't get eaten alive, but became a liason between guards and inmates? AND got a nickname like "M. Diddy"? It's probably pretty apparent that I don't like this woman. And I don't. At all.
But I can give credit where credit is due. That's fucking impressive.
Whatever. Justice served. Sort of.
This is pretty cool though - she still to this day can't go to the UK because of her criminal conviction.
Then she launched a highly publicized comeback, which somehow made the public forget that their hero was a convicted felon. She went back on TV, and even had her own Apprentice spinoff, which only lasted one season. People weren't THAT back in love with her THAT fast. Then she continued to expand her company. She has a wine called "Martha Stewart Vintage" now. She even has a Sirrius Radio XM Channel. They are actually developing a Nintendo game for her.
She has never once expressed the slightest bit of regret or apology for her illegal actions. She just never calls attention to it. For some reason, neither does the public. She continues to prosper beyond anyone's dreams.
To end this on a humorous note... listen to this. Holy shit, man. She dated Anthony Hopkins in 2006!!! What the fuck is wrong with Anthony Hopkins?! But... get this... once she saw 'Hannibal' she was unable to avoid associating Hopkins with the character. So they ended their relationship. I swear to God I didn't make that up.
To break it down: she was born, got married, rode her husband to success, got rich, became beloeved by millions, ditched her husband, broke federal law, went to prison, got out, and is right back to where she started before going to prison, is still filthy rich and getting richer, and the public still loves her, because the public is retarded.
But M. Diddy doesn't mind. Just as long as she can keep focusing on her salad. The end.
I'll be in my trailer.