If I lose this somehow, this game is getting smashed into the back of the head of a very unfortunate employee of Eddie Bauer.
No, they don't have anything to do with this. I just really hate Eddie Bauer. MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO GIVE OFF THE IMPRESSION THAT I DO NOTHING BUT CHOP WOOD IN MY SPARE TIME!!! That's what she said.
We're backstage at Fashion Week in Los Angeles. DeAnna is clapping and will continue to clap until I press a button. She never tires out. I'm glad her hands don't get tired easily.
This is what I'm fucking talking about. I need to be in front of some goddamn cameras. On the catwalk. On the catwalk, yeah. I do my little turn on the catwalk.
This is a challenge to see who can get dressed the fastest. This is an important life skill in all types of areas, like challenges to see who can get dressed the fastest, and getting re-dressed and home to your wife before she finishes brushing her teeth. I receive a random color - all I have to do is be the first one to the drawer to reveal items matching that color.
This could be tough. Asians are fast. Are Asians fast?
I had to find orange clothes. He had to find brown clothes. He can't pull off orange clothes with mad style like I can. On the catwalk. On the catwalk, yeah, I shake my little toush on the catwalk. Bitches LOVE color.
Problem: as soon as this challenge started I just went completely blank about what clothes were where. I managed to find the orange sunglasses, but Ke-ith put together his entire brown wardrobe before I could even find anything else. I was slaughtered.
2nd Place / Silver Medal: B.@.D
It is fucking on like Donkey Kong. I'm serious, if I fucking lose this terrible game after all the terrible effort I've put into this, it is going to be a DARK third season.
But I'm in love, so not to worry. What I just said in the paragraph above was just material for my testimonial interview. Nothing more.
They're really bringing out the big guns for this season finale. I can't let myself get distracted by all this glitz, glamour, and movie offers to play myself in the Hollywood adaptation of this terrible show. I'm here to win. I can't wait to do movies instead of this tripe though. Seriously. As soon as that movie deal kicks in I am SUCH a ghost. I'm pulling an ER Clooney the second that fax comes to my trailer.
Apparently this movie premiere is star-studded, so I'm sure the fans will be all over me. I'm going to try to get some face time with Jack Nicholson, punch that fucking talking head Billy Crystal, and have sex with that hot girl Ryan Seacrest (if DeAnna is okay with it of course, I won't betray our new love.)
I walk down the red carpet. No one is taking pictures of me. No one will approach me. No fans ask for my autograph.
I am alone. I go inside and cry in a bathroom stall.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we're solving puzzles again. Yeah, fuck doing new things. We're just gonna stick with that. See Episode 2 for my puzzle strategy.
1st Place LOSER: Ke-ith
YES!!! FUCK YOU KE-ITH!!!
So me and Ke-ith are tied 12 stars to 12 stars now. That's how DeAnna ranks our progress. I think it's sort of how Ali looked at the portraits of all the guys last season, only this is
If anything says love, hope, and future... it's fucking Las Vegas, Nevada.
Oh sweet fuck. It's a picture contest.
I am fucked. I am SO fucking fucked.
Winner / Fucker: Ke-ith
Second Place / Silver Medal: B.@.D
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. I'm going to lose. I'm going to fucking lose. IN MY OWN FUCKING GAME!!! Everything has been so easy up until now! Did fucking Ke-ith / the producers hustle me?!?!?! WHY THE FUCK DID THEY WANT ME ON THAT MAGAZINE!!!
DO I NEED TO SING A SONG OR SOMETHING?!?! I'mma take you there, I'mma take you there. So don't be scared. I'm right here baby. We can go anywhere, go anywhere. But first it's your chance, Take my hand come with me. I'MMA TAKE YOU...
Where would I be without strikethru text?
We are in the Florida keys for the FINAL DATE. I have to say the producers are doing a great job of making this look like Ke-ith has a chance. At least that's what I'm telling myself. If it turns out I lose and they were fucking me, I'm going Rated-R on this shit. She's in a very slutty bikini. Good. Good. That's how I like my women. Slutty and gettable.
Ke-ith is in some turqoise, stylish board shorts. It looks like I skinned a cow and fashioned some short shorts out of the hide. Waste not, want not. Probably not the best move I could have made for this final challenge.
FUCK YES. We're tracing again. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. You're fucked, Ke-ith. Now I don't even care what I'm wearing. I could win this shit from the digestive tract of a blind warthog.
Winner: World Champion Tracer B.@.D (accompanied by his cowskin beach short shorts)
First Place Loser: Ke-ith
Um... holy fuck. So we each won two cockfights so far. We're TIED in heart count. 24 to 24. I swear to God I'm not making this up. I honestly can't believe it. There's no more cockfights!!! What the fuck happens now?!?!?! ARE THERE RULES FOR THIS?!?!?!
So we're still doing an inDUHvidual date this week, apparently. It's just me and Ke-ith in the mansion now. Well, and the camera crew, but I'm not suppoesd to talk about them. We mostly get drunk and compare notes and stare at each other tensely. It's fucked up. I think he knows about the rumor I've been spreading that his grandpa was a kami-kaze pilot. It's awkward.
Date card shows up - oh yeah, it's for me of course. We're going straight past 3rd base tonight. We're going past home plate too. I might even cross the fowl line into the
I'm guessing how I do here will determine whether or not I win. I honestly can't believe it's actually a close game. I was sitting in my hotel room, staring into the mirror all conflicted-like while wearing a towel. They played some music. It was obviously a deep moment. Then I remembered what a wise man told me once to motivate me...
Final InDUHvidual Date: B.@.D
We're apparently at a restaurant. Well, I'M at a restaurant. She hasn't shown up yet. They tell me to make myself comfortable, so I sat down, took myself out of my zipper underneath the table, and waited for her to show. The waiter said "bon appetit", so I told him to go fuck himself and that I had a keen eye for spit. He needs to know who's boss here, girls like that. Then the waiter gave me this look, but I couldn't get up to kick his ass because I was already "out" underneath the table. The last thing I need is that shit on YouTube. Unless I lose, then I'll need all the exposure I can get.
Uh... okay... so, DeAnna showed up and we were having dinner. Then she was showing me some... compass... thing. I was looking at it, pretending to be interested in what she's into. I thought it was pretty supportive.
Then I dropped the compass.
Now she looks pissed.
Now... I have to mark hexagons. Again. I don't know why. Ke-ith is here marking hexagons too. I don't know why. This is so fucked. I'm guessing they gave up on making this game make sense towards the end.
The world seemed to go into slow motion. The moment was much larger than Ke-ith or myself. It was larger than DeAnna. It was larger than the audience. It was larger than life. This wasn't about a win or a loss or a marriage. It was about cruelty verses compassion. About oppression verses freedom. About good verses evil. The entire future of the love, marriage, and the world would be determined in this very moment.
Every fan watched their TV in silence waiting nervously to see what the fate of their Earth would be.
SQUASH. I marked so many fucking hexagons that Ke-ith's head nearly came off his goddamned shoulders.
Last Place: Ke-ith, who is on MY date for reasons not explained
We went under the table to find the compass. We found it. Then we kissed. Fade out.
Yeah, we had sex. I can't believe that ABC made us censor it. It would have been such a nice moment.
We're saving anal for the honeymoon.
Well, I think we all know what's going to happen here.
We're back in the grotto thing where we started. How poetic.
This is... the final rose tonight.
I got down on one knee. I proposed.
She said yes.
Winner: DeAnna Pappas
You Suck: Ke-ith
Well ladies, that's it for me. I'm officially off the market and I have a BIG announcement about the site planned for next week.
So stay tuned a week from today for the annoucnement and the Season 2 Finale.
I'll be in my trailer.