Questions, A Kilby Bookshelf, And A Whole Lot Of Swearing

I'm writing twice this week, you lucky little beavers. Looks like everyone else decided to take the week off.

What do you mean you we're expecting Dylf?


Ask B.@.D
Oh look! I have a question!

Goody! I love questions.

I used to get lots of questions. Now I don't get as many questions.

But that's OK, because I have a question right here!

I'm glad. I love questions.

Maybe this will lead to even more questions!

OK, here we go.


Anonymous said...
i have a questin for ASK BAD - GODDAMIT you need to have more news like updates like that one where you trashed jon and kate.
-fds

I say...
Wait... what the hell? That's not a question.

You said you had a question.

Didn't you?

I thought you said you had a question.

Fuck.


Now what am I going to do? Write about how surprised I am that a guy who kicks the shit out of people for a living kicked the shit out of his porn star girlfriend? Ooooooh how original.

Shit.


Moving on.

I reailze that I'm really a lot more terrible than the average person at putting stuff together. But when it comes to IKEA and their assembling instructions, I've always held the same question: what kind of sick fucker makes instructions for building something by hand with NO WORDS? And really poorly drawn 2-D graphics?

Look at that bottom-right panel. Holy what the fuck. Even goatee looks confused as fuck, and he's the guy they put on the instructions.

And you've seen this prick:

(He's how IKEA sees the general public. If you drew a tube from his mouth down into his stomach he would evolve into how I imagine pharmaceutical countries see the public.)

See, even fatass Mr. Joe Q. Public there he knows he can't figure this shit out. Look at him, he's basically pleased with himself for NOT dropping the box and damaging shit. Clap clap moron. But then he opens it and realizes there's no FUCKING WORDS or ANY KIND OF HELPFUL GRAPHICS WHATSOEVER.

He's fucked. He knows it. He then decides to call IKEA and just cough up the money for them to put it together. 50 bucks, in case you're wondering.

Jesus, he's so desparate that he even makes sure he has a phone cord that leads directly into the goddamn store. He needs a direct line, THAT'S how fucked he is. And this is what you see in the instructions before you look at the ACTUAL instructions.

They may as well just print on that front page:
"Hello. Thank you for purchasing this IKEA product. You're fucked. You don't want to assemble this shit. Look at the screwdriver tool we gave you. It's the size of a lazer-pointer. Oh, you want to use one of your own screwdrivers? FUCK YOU. Won't work. Asshole. You may only use the tools we provide. Except a hammer, you can provide that. We're not made of hammers. And look, even if you do assemble this yourself, it's going to take you hours and it's not going to turn out how you want it. Something will get fucked up or be out of place, and you'll have to take a bunch of shit apart and start again. Just let us do it. Seriously. You're an idiot. Thanks."


I put a Kilby bookshelf together the other night. It's possibly the only thing I've been able to put together from IKEA without help. And again, I'm an idiot, but not a huge idiot. And even though I succeeded, this was NOT pretty.

This is what it's supposed to look like when you're assembling stuff. I looked like this at first.

Cautious, concentrated, and organized. Looking forward to both having my bookshelf, as well as the sense of completion and accomplishment that I assume would come with having built said bookshelf myself.

About 10 minutes into it, my face resembled something like...

(Is it too soon? It's too soon.)

And then it started going this direction:

And the whole thing came out looking something like this:

("Tis' a fine barn, but shore 'tis no pool, English.")

Of course I realize I'm just cranky because I have the mechanical skills of a blind warthog. And also from that guy who said he had a question.

Fuck.

B.@.D