I am a TOTAL FUCKING NINJA HARDASS.
And we are back. We come into the mole cricket walking offscreen, and my mother Sloan walking onscreen. We hear a SKOOSH noise, and she says she stepped on a mole cricket, and that she hopes it's all right. Ha! She then says lunch is ready, and that she made our favorite - you guessed it, steak! Mmmm there's nothing like steak for lunch when you're 3-6!
We eat steak. At first I'm not sure if I can eat because of the trauma I've been through with the lizards, but then I remember that it's steak and I love steak. I hope we're not eating Buttercup. ARE WE EATING BUTTERCUP?!?!
Anyways, it's tense, because I'm not sure if I should say anything to Mom about losing my innocence and Grandpa telling me to beat up baby lizards, so no one says anything for a while. Lincoln just gives me these narrowed-eyes looks which say that if I tell on him and Grandpa, that he will shit in my sock drawer. This, of course, just makes me want to tell on them that much more. I decide to disguise my tattle in the form of an innocent question from a 3-6 year-old.
ENZO: Mom, is it OK to "ram" the the baby Drag...
GRANDPA ALEC: The new Dodge Ram??? I've seen that too, Enzo!!! Best pickup on the road, if you ask me!!!
ENZO: Grandpa, that's not... that's not what I was going to...
LINCOLN: Grandpa, I heard that they took the "Dodge" out, now it's just "Ram". Is that true?
GRANDPA ALEC: Really? Why would they do something like that?
ENZO: What? How did we get talking about...
LINCOLN: *kicks me under the table*
ENZO: OW!!! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!?!?!
MOTHER SLOAN: ENZO!!! LANGUAGE!!!\
ENZO: BUT HE KICKED ME!!!
LINCOLN: Did not.
GRANDPA ALEC: Enzo, ah was standin' right here. Don't make up stories, boy. And don't curse. Not in mah house.
LINCOLN: *sticks tounge out at me*
Lincoln is dead. I'm going to kick him in the shins. And they said that Grandpa Alec is Sloan's father, right? I decide that I will tell whoever is my Grandpa on my FATHER'S side about the forced "ramming" in order to avoid a direct confrontation with my parents. And instead of telling them the whole story, I may just shorten it to "he made me do things". It sounds worse, and it's not technically a lie.
It's all about subtlety, see. After that I will avoid all contact with this side of the family until after I can get some counselling. Then, when I am better, years from now, I will come back here one day and confront Grandpa Alec and my feelings.
I will then burn down his fucking farm.
Anyway, Lincoln totally tries to no-sell the tension with this engaging conversation with our mother:
LINCOLN: Mom, what's your favorite food?
SLOAN: Why, my favorite food is steak too, honey!
LINCOLN: Really? The same as ours? We're a good match!
You little fucking suck-up. No shit we're a 'good match'. We're her kids, dumbass. My brother is retarded in addition to being sadistic and an asskisser. That's an attractive package he's got going there. On the plus side, this meal is amazing. I mean, emotionally, it's terrible. But the steak is SO MOIST. Mom says we're leaving as soon as we finish eating steak, but that we should get some rest because we're going through the forrest. Sounds safe to me!
Grandpa Alec chimes in and says that he knows it's safe, and bets it's so safe that even me and Lincoln could get here through the forrest on our own. He then says even I could handle it, and laughs. DOES HE KNOW I'M GOING TO TELL OTHER GRANDPA ON HIM?!?! IS THIS HIS PLOT TO TAKE ME OUT?!?!
Hahahaha! That's funny Grandpa Alec! You know what else is funny? The fact that I would burn down this cabin if Buttercup didn't live in such close proximity to it, and she never seems to move.
Mom goes outside, and we see a letter she wrote to Chakotay, our father. I would recap it but it's kind of boring, basically saying that we've been playing since we got here, just like he said we would. She says that Lincoln is daring and full of energy, basically a nice way of saying he's an idiot. She then says I'm... CODDLED?!?! You fucking bitch. She's reading it right in front of Buttercup too, I hope she didn't hear that. That would be emberassing. Of course neither of them know I'm a TOTAL FUCKING NINJA HARDASS now who beats the shit out of bugs and rams babies. I also can talk to the animals - is that worth anything to her? No, of course not. I'm just coddled. Whatever. Bitch.
Then she says that Grandpa seems sad to say goodbye to his grandchildren after seeing us for the first time in so long. You know, having spent some time with Grandpa Alec, I can understand why it'd be a long fucking time in between visits, and I don't understand why it's not a supervised visitation type of thing.
Man, she just keeps going. Mountain air is nice and she likes it better than the "smell of sheep" in Tazmily Village, which I'm guessing is where we're going back to. Smell of sheep? That does not bode well.
Wishes he could have been here, blah blah... a few more things, none of them detailing how I'm a TOTAL FUCKING NINJA HARDASS now, but I guess she wouldn't know that. The next time we visit (ugh), she wants to ask one of the neighbours to tend the sheep so he can come too. If Dad's smart, I'm guessing he has an excuse for why he can't come loaded and ready to fire every time she suggests a visit.
STILL going. JESUS, you know we're leaving, like, right away right? You'll see Dad tonight. Right? How the hell is this letter going to get there faster than we are? Are we taking the letter with us and handing it to him in person? If so, couldn't we just TELL him? Offscreen so I don't have to read it? GOD. She says that tonight, she's going to start cooking some of his favorite steak right away as soon as we get home. That's a whole lot of steak for one family in the course of a day. Thank God, she's done. Oh, she puts the letter in the hands of a bird. OK, I guess that would get there faster than us. If it works. Open mouth, insert foot.
Music goes all wierdo and something flies overhead of my mother, and the screen fades out. Then the title screen comes up. Zuh? All that to get to the title screen?
Okay, now we get an overhead shot of a forest, and a tree blows up. What the fuck? Another one. And another one. Who the fuck is blowing up trees? Why would anyone blow up a tree?
A lumberjack I've never seen before jumps out of his house, carrying lumber. LIFT WITH YOUR KNEES!!! A boy comes out of the house, he shoves him back inside. Nice. Then the lumberjack rushes offscreen. With the lumber. YOUR KNEES!!! There are disoriented animals running around panicked, because I guess trees don't just explode in the forest every day. I don't know. I haven't spent a lot of time in the forest. Which is a good thing. From my point of view. Now I just have one more reason not to go.
Then something that looks like ailens (possibly from whatever flew overhead of my mother?) come along and dropped somethiing, then they trip over each other and rush offscreen. It looks like an eyeball, except it blows up, and now the whole forest is on fire.
On the plus side, once the forrest burns, it will make for a much safer trip back to Tazmilly Village! I'm guessing the others won't see it this way, but they don't get the big picture like I do.
We now get to see a bunch of people going batshit in a village over this, probably Tazmilly Village, which just ends up looking like slapstick British comedy. Shit was moving too fast for me to even get an image.
I get ready to shut it down for the night, then something comes on screen.
Huh? Who died? Is it Buttercup?!?! DID BUTTERCUP DIE?!?!
Maybe it was Grandpa Alec! Maybe the lizards finally turned on him. That would be awesome. Except that then they might come for me, since I'm technically an accessory now. I did do it under duress, though. I'd have to hope that the Drago with gentle eyes would remember my look of resistance and fear, and tell the others to take pity on me..
Maybe it was Lincoln! Not only would this mean there would totally be EVEN MORE steak for the rest of us, but that'd learn him to wake me up.
I hope it's not my Mom. I guess. She's a bit long winded with the fucking letters when we're going home the same day, and she did say I was coddled (which won't be her opinion once other Grandpa tells her what Grandpa Alec made me do and references my TOTAL FUCKING NINJA HARDASS-ness) but I guess she's nice enough. She also seems to cook a lot of fucking steak.
As long as it isn't Buttercup.
Maybe it was Grandpa Alec! Maybe the lizards finally turned on him. That would be awesome. Except that then they might come for me, since I'm technically an accessory now. I did do it under duress, though. I'd have to hope that the Drago with gentle eyes would remember my look of resistance and fear, and tell the others to take pity on me..
Maybe it was Lincoln! Not only would this mean there would totally be EVEN MORE steak for the rest of us, but that'd learn him to wake me up.
I hope it's not my Mom. I guess. She's a bit long winded with the fucking letters when we're going home the same day, and she did say I was coddled (which won't be her opinion once other Grandpa tells her what Grandpa Alec made me do and references my TOTAL FUCKING NINJA HARDASS-ness) but I guess she's nice enough. She also seems to cook a lot of fucking steak.
As long as it isn't Buttercup.
Okay, that's a lot of wierd shit for one night. Out.
I sure hope Buttercup isn't dead.
B.@.D