M3: Day 3
I am a TOTAL FUCKING NINJA HARDASS.
And we are back. We come into the mole cricket walking offscreen, and my mother Sloan walking onscreen. We hear a SKOOSH noise, and she says she stepped on a mole cricket, and that she hopes it's all right. Ha! She then says lunch is ready, and that she made our favorite - you guessed it, steak! Mmmm there's nothing like steak for lunch when you're 3-6!
We eat steak. At first I'm not sure if I can eat because of the trauma I've been through with the lizards, but then I remember that it's steak and I love steak. I hope we're not eating Buttercup. ARE WE EATING BUTTERCUP?!?!
Anyways, it's tense, because I'm not sure if I should say anything to Mom about losing my innocence and Grandpa telling me to beat up baby lizards, so no one says anything for a while. Lincoln just gives me these narrowed-eyes looks which say that if I tell on him and Grandpa, that he will shit in my sock drawer. This, of course, just makes me want to tell on them that much more. I decide to disguise my tattle in the form of an innocent question from a 3-6 year-old.
ENZO: Mom, is it OK to "ram" the the baby Drag...
GRANDPA ALEC: The new Dodge Ram??? I've seen that too, Enzo!!! Best pickup on the road, if you ask me!!!
ENZO: Grandpa, that's not... that's not what I was going to...
LINCOLN: Grandpa, I heard that they took the "Dodge" out, now it's just "Ram". Is that true?
GRANDPA ALEC: Really? Why would they do something like that?
ENZO: What? How did we get talking about...
LINCOLN: *kicks me under the table*
ENZO: OW!!! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!?!?!
MOTHER SLOAN: ENZO!!! LANGUAGE!!!\
ENZO: BUT HE KICKED ME!!!
LINCOLN: Did not.
GRANDPA ALEC: Enzo, ah was standin' right here. Don't make up stories, boy. And don't curse. Not in mah house.
LINCOLN: *sticks tounge out at me*
Lincoln is dead. I'm going to kick him in the shins. And they said that Grandpa Alec is Sloan's father, right? I decide that I will tell whoever is my Grandpa on my FATHER'S side about the forced "ramming" in order to avoid a direct confrontation with my parents. And instead of telling them the whole story, I may just shorten it to "he made me do things". It sounds worse, and it's not technically a lie.
It's all about subtlety, see. After that I will avoid all contact with this side of the family until after I can get some counselling. Then, when I am better, years from now, I will come back here one day and confront Grandpa Alec and my feelings.
I will then burn down his fucking farm.
Anyway, Lincoln totally tries to no-sell the tension with this engaging conversation with our mother:
LINCOLN: Mom, what's your favorite food?
SLOAN: Why, my favorite food is steak too, honey!
LINCOLN: Really? The same as ours? We're a good match!
You little fucking suck-up. No shit we're a 'good match'. We're her kids, dumbass. My brother is retarded in addition to being sadistic and an asskisser. That's an attractive package he's got going there. On the plus side, this meal is amazing. I mean, emotionally, it's terrible. But the steak is SO MOIST. Mom says we're leaving as soon as we finish eating steak, but that we should get some rest because we're going through the forrest. Sounds safe to me!
Man, she just keeps going. Mountain air is nice and she likes it better than the "smell of sheep" in Tazmily Village, which I'm guessing is where we're going back to. Smell of sheep? That does not bode well.
Wishes he could have been here, blah blah... a few more things, none of them detailing how I'm a TOTAL FUCKING NINJA HARDASS now, but I guess she wouldn't know that. The next time we visit (ugh), she wants to ask one of the neighbours to tend the sheep so he can come too. If Dad's smart, I'm guessing he has an excuse for why he can't come loaded and ready to fire every time she suggests a visit.
STILL going. JESUS, you know we're leaving, like, right away right? You'll see Dad tonight. Right? How the hell is this letter going to get there faster than we are? Are we taking the letter with us and handing it to him in person? If so, couldn't we just TELL him? Offscreen so I don't have to read it? GOD. She says that tonight, she's going to start cooking some of his favorite steak right away as soon as we get home. That's a whole lot of steak for one family in the course of a day. Thank God, she's done. Oh, she puts the letter in the hands of a bird. OK, I guess that would get there faster than us. If it works. Open mouth, insert foot.
Music goes all wierdo and something flies overhead of my mother, and the screen fades out. Then the title screen comes up. Zuh? All that to get to the title screen?
I get ready to shut it down for the night, then something comes on screen.
Posted by Anonymous on Friday, May 14, 2010