M3: Day 5

Only WHO can prevent forest fires..?

You said 'you', referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is you.

When we last left our hero Chakotay, he was off to assist the people of his village, who we're trapped in the burning forest. The fire was caused by aliens for reasons not known. Chakotay is being assisted by a big smelly gay named Thomas, who appears to be the only firefighter in the village. Thomas uses the money he earns firefighting for hit after hit on the old glass dick. I am searching for my family, and two villagers in particular named 'Lighter' and 'Fuel' - again, for reasons not clearly explained.

First I am attacked by a monster, which may have been one of the bugs that flew out of the alien box. MY DOG LOCKE'S STICK TO YOUR FUCKING DOME!!! We trade blow after blow, no Thomas puns intended, and eventually I win. He leaves a present, a loaf of 'nut bread'. Wow, it's getting harder and harder to NOT make gay jokes about Thomas, who once again was no help whatsoever in this fight.

And don't let him try to tell you he's busy fighting the fire. He totally isn't. He's just following me. Thomas... just stands there. I still want to dickpunch him, but due to the overwhelming innuendo in this game it'd probably feel really gay. And I'm not gay. I am a TOTAL FUCKING COWBOY HARDASS!!!

I fight a couple more possibly alien bug things, and I go up a level, which means I am stronger. Every monster I fight leaves me nut bread after I layeth the smackdown on them, which is... well, it's actually super considerate if you think about it. All fights should end with the loser offering some sort of yummy treat to the winner. Can you imagine after UFC 115, if Franklin we're to hand Lidell a lobster bisque and tell him to let it simmer at 450 for 10 minutes before eating? I can. It's just nice, all I'm saying.

I found Lighter - human, in case you're wondering. I see a bug on the ground, and apparently I've never seen one like that before. Probably because it's ALIEN. Lighter says:
He also says that the bugs are going around the forest, lighting fires. And that 'Fuel' is still at home. Wasn't the fire caused by the big aliens tossing the head-looking bomb thing? Eh, fuck details. And by the way, this game is full of some awesome parenting examples thus far. Thomas tells me to go after Fuel, and that he'll 'take care' of Lighter. Thomas is so going to rape Lighter. Heh. Better him than me.

I try to leave the screen, and 3 bugs jump me. This would be a great time for Thomas or this Lighter guy to start being helpful. But they don't. Thomas just stands there waiting for me to dispel the threat and leave so he can rape Lighter while I go rescue Fuel. And future rape victim Lighter just sits there, wounded and waiting to be raped. Sigh.

BOSS FIGHT: Chakotay .vs. 3 Alien Bugs

These bugs are different. Not only are they stronger, but I have to fight all 3 at once. Anyway, this wasn't much of a fight. It was more like a blanket party. They started out the fight brutally beating the piss out of me. I knew I was in trouble because each separate bug got an attack before I would get even one - and half my attacks missed. And every time I hit, one of the other 2 bugs would heal the damaged one while the other two continued kicking the living shit out of me.

But I don't give in. I know I can do it. No way that 3 tiny alien bugs can beat a TOTAL FUCKING COWBOY HARDASS. I'm not losing to the first boss the game has to offer.

Lest they forget - I have my dog Locke's stick to unleash on their respective fucking domes.

These '3 alien bugs' will win this fight over my big, dead, cowboy ass.

Winner: 3 Alien Bugs

Uh... OK, that was unexpected. I thought for sure that I would be able to beat these things. I would love to go on a rant about how the game fucked me, but I'm pretty sure I must have missed a key element or something. I was probably too focused on just handing out my dog Locke's stick to their fucking alien bug domes instead of trying to figure out a better way to beat all 3, or find a weakness of some sort.

Anyway, I'm dead. That was anti-climatic.

I will try this again tomorrow - I won't go through the whole song and dance recap again, I respect you people too much for that. *chortle* But seriously, I'll just pick up at the boss fight against the 3 alien bugs next time.

Since this was a bit short, I'll offer up some pictures of who these characters remind me of so far.

Thomas The "Firefighter"
"Oh hay there - y'all need me to help ya fight that big ol' nathty forethtry fire? Mmmkay then - maybe we can thtop off for a drip in that there hot thrping?"

Grandpa Alec
"Talkin' outta turn... that's a paddlin'. Lookin' out da window... that's a paddlin'. Starin' at mah sandals... that's a paddlin. Not abusing defenseless baby lizards... oh you better BELIEVE that's a paddlin."

"Whuddaya mean ah kin only take mah dog's STICK into da woods..?"

Also, something I just thought of - I bet I'd have been able to waste those bugs if someone had let me bring a FUCKING GUN - y'know, instead of a dog's stick. Then I coulda made like Peter on Family Guy when he had a bug in his house: