Celebegacy: Jennifer "Rachel" Anniston

Jennifer Joanna Aniston is a 40 year old American actress, film director and producer.

This is her Celebegacy.

Never before in the history of acting has an actresses had such a real-life maxed-out ginormous 720-degree emotional range... and such a frighteningly small, near-invisible emotional range on camera.

Given Jennifer's career-choices paired with her level of acting ability, I imagine it would be hard for anyone to imagine Jennifer Anniston being born to anyone other than actors. Well, good news - you don't have to work on imagining it, because that's exactly what happened. Her parents we're John Aniston and Nancy Dow. You might remember them from such famous films as "Bubkus" and "Jack Shit". I also imagine it would be hard for anyone to imagine Jennifer coming from anything but a broken home. More good news there too. Other than living in Greece for a year, she spent most of her young life living in New York. Locals state that her arrival was when the dark smog that descended on the city emerged, and has not left since.

Her actor parents, expriencing a career of agressive mediocrity and non-notariety, because they didn't really care for Jen all that much, decided that they wanted the same for her. They enrolled her into the LaGuardia High School of... surprise surprise, Music and Perofmring Arts. Ha!

While working in some off-Broadway productions, she had to take some part-time jobs, which included telemarketing, waitressing, and bike messenging. In 1989, she moved back to her birthplace, Los Angeles. The dark smog did not accompany her, much to New York's dismay. Los Angeles, however, experienced an even-more harrowing consequence - locusts.

Anniston started her television career in LA, performing in hits that we all remember - Molloy, Camp Cucamonga, The Edge, Muddling Through, Herman's Head, Burke's Law, Quantum Leap, and the TV series adaptation of Ferris Bueller... if you don't remember such hits, then you weren't fast enough to catch them, because they we're all promptly cancelled with extreme prejudice.

Aniston dated her Ferris Bueller TV costar Charlie Schlatter in 1990, and briefly dated musician Adam Duritz in 1995. From 1995 to 1998, she was romantically involved with actor Tate Donovan and the couple were reportedly engaged.

After various failures, it was around this time that Anniston considered giving up acting, and getting a real job. Then she realized she literally had absolutely no qualifications, nor any applicable skill sets whatsoever for such a plan, having graduated from a High School Of Performing Arts. She laughed histarically at her absurd notions, and began looking for a suicide booth.

Fortunately for Jennifer, it was around this time David Crane and Marta Kauffman, up late one night after dropping acid and reading a Curious George book, visualized a TV series where a goofball carried around a monkey, because monkeys are awesome and funny all the time. As another plus, since everyone's attention would be on the monkey, the actors wouldn't really have to act. Thus, Jennifer finally found her dream role, along with Courtney Cox, Lisa Kudrow, David Schwimmer, Matt LeBlanc, and the painted-up crack-monkey known to some as Matthew Perry. Friends was born.

We all remember Friends. It was the show that was on Thursdays, before Seinfeld, with the monkey, where people never went to work or locked their apartment doors. The emotional range of the characters and storylines extended from slightly sarcastic all the way up to extremely sarcastic.

Fortunately, as predicted by the creators, the fact that the monkey could act circles around all of his human co-stars combined did not detract from the success of the show. Unfortunately, the monkey's dumb-as-a-sack-of-doorknobs co-stars we're unable to pick up on any of the monkey's acting skills, and the monkey soon left the show to work with more intelligent beings - baboons. The show continued along, making up for the absense of the monkey with the invention of some of the most hackneyed quotes ever birthed by any television series ever, such as "How YOU Doin?' and "We We're On A Break!".

The show was a huge hit amongst those who love to dress up in suits and dance around in fountains. The series ran close to 10 years, the last 2 of which Anniston received 1 million dollars per episode, the richest TV deal in history. She also received 5 emmy nominations for "Best Supporting Actress Who Never Wears A Padded Bra".

In 1998, she began dating Brad Pitt, who, in addition to acting, acts like a kind of fly paper for the emotionally disturbed. They married in 2000, and for a while, everyone believed that their marriage was considered to be a rare Hollywood success. However, Brad soon became weary of Jen's nasaly voice and unsubstantiated claims that she could act, and Jen claims (this was never confirmed by anyone) that Brad put the dick to Angelina Jolie on the set of the psychological experiment / movie "Mr. And Mrs. Smith", in a move that, if true, most likely inspired the lyrics to the song "You're Crazy Bitch, But You Fuck So Good I'm On Top Of It".

Brad and Jen announced their separation in 2005. Because Hollywood breakups are always as smooth as whipped butter, Pitt and Aniston were seen together publicly after announcing their separation, even at a dinner party for Aniston's 36th birthday. Aniston, however, filed for divorce that same year, and it was finalized within months. Brad has maintained his relationship with Angelina Jolie ever since. A picture of Brangelina together can be seen in the encyclopedia alongside the term 'trading up'.

The story became headline news everywhere, and made the front-pages of every magazine on Earth, continuing untill this very day. Public support still continues to outpour for Jen, something which I have struggled to comprehend since it happened. It has never, ever been confirmed by anyone that Brad actually did cheat, and he IS still with Jolie, while Jen has demonstrated a TRULY remarkable inability to maintain a stable relationship of ANY sort following Brad, including with her own mother, who Jen couldn't even keep from trashing the shit out of her in a book and on TV. Not to mention that Brad and Angelina can actually, y'know, act, and Jen can't. But what do I know.

Since the breakup, Jen has been engaged in a 5-year feud with Jolie, but she continues to conduct herself with the utmost style and grace. She can be seen doing so on magazine covers like these...

... and she continues to be a role model for young women everywhere.

"Excuse me gentlemen, have you seen my pants anyplace?"

Since then, she's dated Vince Vaughn, Paul Sculfor, John Mayer, appearing with whoever she was dating at the time on the cover of every magazine under headings such as "FINALLY! HE'S THE ONE!", "AT LAST! I'M FINALLY MOVING ON FROM BRAD!", and "THE BABY SHE'S ALWAYS WANTED!".

Yeah, she's still single. With no babies.

Anyway, while appearing on Friends, Aniston also started doing what she still does today - shitty movies. she made her film debut in 1992's Leprechaun which was ripped to shreds by critics. She then did a couple indies, and her first starring vehicle was the film Picture Perfect, which was slightly less shitty than Leprechaun, but still shitty enough to ensure that she was again ripped to shreds by critics.

Realizing she had a knack for starring in shitpiles, she then did 'Til There Was You, The Thin Pink Line, The Iron Giant, Friends With Money, The Object Of My Affection, The Good Girl, Management, Derailed, Rumor Has It, Bruce Almighty, Along Came Polly, He's Just Not That Into You, The Break-Up, Marley and Me, The Bounty Hunter, The Switch, and Office Space, which did not suck donkeys... but that had absolutely nothing to do with her.

There has been considerable public debate as to whether or not her transition into film has been successful, which, given the titles above, is also something I simply cannot come to grips with. But rather than offer my opinion on the subject, THESE movies are the ones that we're her greatest commercial successes:

• Bruce Almighty
• Along Came Polly
• He's Just Not That Into You
• The Break-Up
• Marley and Me, which was only cool because it was about a dog, which, like the monkey, still has a bigger emotional range than Jen on camera.

THOSE we're the 'successes'.

Jennifer has also demonstrated that her acting is not her only way to bring down a movie - she also directs. She proved this with a little gem called Room 10, which you haven't heard of, and with good reason.

Riding this incredible wave of success, Jennifer is now doing what every actor does when they're on a hot-streak in Hollywood - an Adam Sandler movie. In 2011, she stars as the office manager of Sandler, posing as his wife to prove his honesty to his much younger girlfriend, after having told said girlfriend that he's married to avoid committing to her. Hilarity is sure to ensue. If you're looking forward to seeing this movie, then you need to go castrate yourself, and if you can't figure out how this ends without seeing it, then you need to go kill yourself.

Jen formed a film production company called Plan B, with Brad Pitt, because going into business with your Hollywood spouse is always a solid, well-thought out move. When she divorced him, she withdrew from the company. In 2008, she started another production company called Echo Films.

Jen also worked in a publicity campaign for the drink SmartWater, in case you like your water to come with calories.

If you want to smell like Jen smells, she has a perfume called Jennifer Anniston.

In closing, Jennifer Anniston has been playing the same character for her entire career. She will never, ever, for any reason, play a role with any depth whatsoever, because she's completely incapable of it, and really, why should she? She has played "Rachel" for about 20 years now, and she will continue to do so in terrible movies no matter how terrible her acting is, because everyone remembers Friends. She's made a truly unholy amount of money doing it, so good for her.

I'll be in my trailer.

B.@.D