What Happens When You Force Writing

I've never forced anyone to write. But based on the comment board, some people think I should be forcing certain writers to write more.

This is how I imagine that would go.


*Begin Scene*

*Dials Jaderberri*
Hey B.@.D!

Hey, Jaderberri, how's it going?

Good, you?

Good.

What's up?

I was gonna see if you'd write an article for this week.

I don't really have anything on the go right now...

I know. The commenters are clamouring for material. You know how it is.

But I thought you said you didn't want us writing if we didn't want to.

Did I say that?

Yeah. You said we'd be likely to turn out crap if we forced it.

So... maybe you could turn out some crap then?

I don't want to.

But could you?

... no. This is uncomfortable. I have to go. Talk to you later.
*Hangs up*



*Dials Dylf*
Hello B.@.D.

Hey Dylf! How's it going, man?

Fine.

That's cool.

...

I'm good too!

That's fantastic.

So listen... I need you to write a post for this week.

I already wrote a post this week.

Really?

Yeah.

Let me just... sorry, my computer's being... huh! You're right.

Yeah.

...

...

... so... how are you doing?

I have to go.

Oh... sure, no problem. I just wanted to see how you...

My family's having dinner.

Oh, yeah, dude, totally. I understand. Yeah. My family's getting ready to have dinner soon too.

You don't have a family.

Well, what I mean is that me and my dog are...

Goodbye B.@.D.
*Hangs up*



*Dials Ozi-Style*
Uggghhh... hello?

Hey, Ozi-Style! How's it going?

B.@.D? It's almost 3 in the morning!!!

What are you talking about? It's the middle of the afternoon.

I live in Australia!

Oh right... shit... well hey, since I've got you, do you think you could write a post this week?

Uh... I guess so. I don't know. I don't really have anything to write about.

Can you come up with something?

Isn't this why you got like 9 writers? So that you wouldn't have to worry about this type of thing?

This call has cost me like 20 dollars already. Can you just do it?

You're breaking up... crackle crackle... I can't hear you. It must be a bad crackle crackle connection!

Are you just making crackle noises to get me off the phone? All you're doing is saying the word crackle. That's not how static sounds.

Crackle cracke I can't understand you! Crackle crackle. French toast! Lots of french tost! Plenty of maple syrup! Crackle crackle I'm losing you! Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppp.

That doesn't even make any...
*Hangs up*



*Dials The Prince*
Hello?

Hey, Prince. How's it going, man?

Who the fuck is this?!?!

It's B.@.D.

Who?

B.@.D.

Who the fuck is B.@.D?

I'm B.@.D!

I know... but like... who the fuck is B.@.D?

Uh... we've known each other for years. I'm...

Right. Right, sorry. I'm sorry. What can I do for you?

Can you write an article this week?

What the fuck are you talking about?

An article... you haven't written one in like...

What the fuck are you talking about?!?! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?!

We already... I'm B.@.D...

Don't ever call here again. I have guns.
*Hangs up*



*Dials Bailout*
Hello, B.@.D.

Uh... is this Dylf?

Yes.

Oh, sorry dude. I actually meant to dial Bailout.

You did.

But... you...

I have to go.

You told me you we're having dinner with your family!

B.@.D? Is that you? Why is Dylf in my house?

Goodbye B.@.D.
*Hangs up.*



*Dials B-Rush*

*5 minutes later...*

This is going to be awesome. Hiring a bunch of strippers and throwing a party at Reloaded is one of the best ideas you ever had, B.@.D. Where is this party? What time are the strippers going to be there? And when are the donkey and belly dancers supposed to show up?

I was thinking... hoping... you could write a post, before it goes down, maybe?

...

The strippers are totally on their way and stuff.

You're a dick, B.@.D.
*Hangs up*



*Dials P(BJ)*
Uggghhh... hello?

Hey, P(BJ)! How's it going?

B.@.D? It's almost 3 in the morning!!!

What are you talking about? It's the middle of the afternoon.

No it's not.

Yes it is. Look outside. It's still light out.

... huh. Whaddaya know?

Christ, are you fucking stoned??? Why are you sleeping at 3 in the afternoon?!?!

Fuck off. What do you want?

I was gonna see when you we're gonna put your first article up.

You were serious about that?

Uh...

Looks like I timed this perfectly. I can't wait to not write any of those. Have fun.

You don't even want to write one?

I'm going back to bed.

No, wait, at least can you...

Hey... is that Dylf outside my house? How did he know where I lived?

Have a good sleep!
*Hangs up*



*Dials Mizzle*
Hey, man.

Hey, Mizzle! Whatcha up to?

Actually, I was a little bored. Trying to figure out something to do.

It's funny you should say that. It just so happens that...

Look B.@.D. I know you are trying to get people to write articles. Everyone knows. I suggest you listen to me harder than you've ever listened to anyone in your entire life. I'd rather a train run over my testicles. I'd rather be buried up to my neck in sand while fire ants eat my face. I'd rather have my fingernails pulled out one by one with a pair of rusty pliers and shoved directly into my eyeballs while I shower in sulfuric acid than write when I don't feel like it. Do you understand? If you ever suggest doing something like this ever again, I will make it my life's mission to find you, hunt you down, destroy you and everyone you know, burn your house down, and hire a family that for many generations will visit the ashen remains in the middle of the night and piss on them.

...

Do we understand each other?

I... I gotta go.
*Hangs up.*

*End Scene*


I'll be in my trailer.

B.@.D